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Name: Sulit Bicara Dari Hati ke Hati? II Dr Laila Mona Ganiem
Description: Video Sulit Bicara Dari Hati ke Hati? II Dr Laila Mona Ganiem dari Radio Silaturahim.

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Transkrip diambil dari YouTube. Klik timestamp biru untuk melompat ke posisi tersebut di pemutar.

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious
, the Most Merciful. All praise is due
to Allah, Lord of the worlds. O Allah,
send prayers upon our master Muhammad
and upon the family of our master
Muhammad. Peace be upon you, and the
mercy of Allah and His blessings.
And unto you peace.
Brothers and sisters, listeners of
Silaturahim radio and viewers of Rasil
TV, may Allah bless you all. Praise be
to Allah, we meet again this Sunday
afternoon, the 24th of Rabiul Awal 1448
Hijri, which corresponds to September 6
, 2026. And as usual, on the first
Sunday of every month, we present our
communication talk show with Dr. Laila
Mona Ganim, who, praise be to Allah, is
already here in the studio. Let’s
greet our sister. Peace be upon you,
and the mercy of Allah and His
blessings, Bu Mona. And unto you peace,
and the mercy of Allah and His
blessings, Mas Fahri. How are you? How
are you, Bunda? I'm healthy. Praise be
to Allah. Praise be to Allah, I can
host this program again, Bunda.
MasyaAllah. MasyaAllah.
And today, the theme that will be
presented by Bu Mona is about the
difficulty of talking heart-to-heart.
Now, this is something we sometimes
experience too, isn't it, Bu?
That's right.
What are the factors that make it
difficult for people to speak
heart-to-heart? Indeed.
Is it just a communication factor, or
is there a certain ego involved, Bu?
There is a certain ego, there is
reluctance.
Yes. Many people might talk about
politics, economic issues, or any other
topics. But when it comes to personal
issues or feelings, sometimes we feel
a bit awkward, right, Bu?
Yes. It feels a bit strange. Now, today
we will discuss it, and later for those
who want to join in or ask questions,
you can comment or ask at 0811999720.
Please, Bu Mona, the floor is yours.
Thank you. Peace be upon you, and the
mercy of Allah and His blessings.
Brothers and sisters who are blessed by
Allah. Praise be to Allah, today we
meet again and we will discuss why
it’s so hard
to talk heart-to-heart. Brothers and
sisters, have we ever wondered why,
when speaking to the people we love
most, we are actually the most likely
to get sulky?
Why is that? Perhaps because we are too
busy wanting to be heard, and we don't
make time to listen. Yet, that is a
very important need for every person.
Sometimes the people closest to us are
the hardest ones to talk to
heart-to-heart.
Hm. Even though they are the closest,
right? Exactly. It’s difficult.
To talk about something secret or
personal.
It feels uncomfortable. Yeah. We live
in the same house with our partner,
then we meet our children every day or
meet our parents every day, and we
often talk to them. But are we truly
listening to their feelings, or are we
being listened to in return? Like Mas
Fahri said, we can talk about politics,
current issues,
or the current situation and so on for
hours, but our hearts might not
necessarily meet. We ask, but we don't
really listen, or we give advice but
forget to understand. Sometimes, a
single sentence from someone we love
can hurt more than 1,000 words from
anyone else. Well, maybe that’s why
heart-to-heart talk isn't about who is
the most eloquent speaker. It’s about
the willingness to stop for a moment,
drop your ego, and say, "I want to
understand you." Like that. So, in the
end, what keeps a family close isn't
because we never have differences or
never fight, right? But because after
all that, they still have the space to
return, talk, and listen to each other.
So there is a home to return to, a home
for each other's hearts. Exactly. For
example, a husband comes home from work
and the wife feels neglected. The
husband comes home, eats, then gets
busy with his phone. The wife gets
annoyed, instead of a heart-to-heart,
she says, "You come home and are always
on your phone.""You never give me
attention at home," so she gets angry.
Now, if you have a heart-to-heart, you
say, "I know you're tired from work,
but lately, I feel like we rarely talk.
""I actually really miss talking to you
.""Even if it's just for a bit, maybe
15 minutes, we could have a
heart-to-heart.""Can we chat for a bit
while we eat or before we go to sleep?"
So, the message is not to make
accusations. What we need to do is
express our feelings and needs. That is
a heart-to-heart talk with our partner.
Another example is a child coming home
from school with bad grades. The child
brings home exam results, but the marks
are disappointing. They worry that
their parents won't be happy. Uh.
Imagine if you don't speak from the
heart, "That's why you're always on
your phone, what will become of you?"
That
is not speaking from the heart. Now, if
you do it from the heart, a parent
could say, "Mama sees your grades have
dropped.""Mama is indeed disappointed,
but I want to know more about""what
difficulties you have in this subject
or if there's something making it hard
for you to study lately." Why? Well,
that sentence or statement can open the
door for the child to share. It could
be that they aren't lazy, not that they
didn't study, but because they have
problems with friends or health issues.
Ma'am. So they couldn't understand the
lesson, or maybe it's their eyes, or
they feel pressured by bullying. So, we
find out without judging. This makes it
possible to have a heart-to-heart talk.
Or when parents keep asking, "When will
you get married?" And that could be met
with an emotional response. "Don't
interfere, this is my life." Getting
angry. So, what if the parents, uh, or
the child talks to their parents
instead, Ma'am? "I know..." Mom asks
because she cares and wants to see me
happy. I also want to have a family.
But when that question keeps coming up,
I feel pressured. If there’s
something I want to share later, I’ll
definitely tell you, Mom. For now,
let’s talk about something else
instead, shall we? Uh that statement
allows us to set boundaries without
losing respect for our parents. So,
heart-to-heart talks are something we
need to get used to. A heart-to-heart
talk doesn't mean being emotionless.
Instead, we learn to turn emotions into
words that can be accepted and heard by
the people we love. There are three
easy-to-remember keywords. We need to
feel, we need to listen, we need to
convey. Feel,
listen,
convey. Not getting angry, accusing,
then regretting it later. Now, the
question is why is it getting harder
for us to have heart-to-heart talks?
Why can we have hundreds of friends but
feel so alone? Why do chats often lead
to misunderstandings? Why are people
bolder about being rude on social media
? He
eh. So, various situations make it not
easy to talk heart-to-heart. We know
technology can speed up communication,
but it doesn't necessarily deepen it.
We need to return to communication that
brings out our humanity. Being heard,
understood, having our feelings
acknowledged, and giving meaning to our
interactions with others. Communication
isn't just about exchanging messages,
but about understanding people. Uh I
made a batik design, you know. He, a
batik design
a communication batik that explains
that communication is not just talking,
but understanding people. uh it is
easier for us to communicate, but not
easy to understand because technology
allows us to interact with many people.
That's right. It makes it easier, right
?
It makes it easier, but it's hard to
communicate. We just type, we just vote
, we just send a video call, right?
uploading messages H
very easy. But strangely, we are more
easily connected, but not necessarily
better at understanding others. So what
has changed is how we communicate and
treat other human beings. We
communicate more, but listen less. We
share more, but listen less.
It feels one-way, right?
It feels like one-way reciprocity.
True. Uh, if it's reciprocal, sometimes
we're just waiting for our turn.
He.
Oh, after this it's my turn to speak—
click—rather than actually
understanding.
Yeah. So responding just to talk back.
On social media, people race to comment
, share info, and all sorts of things.
Sharing this, sharing that.
Communication isn't just about what I
want to say, but what is being felt and
wants to be conveyed to others. So
listening is very important, Mas Fahri.
Someone says, "I'm doing just fine."
But that four-step communication makes
us ask, "Are they really okay?" Some
people don't need advice; they just
need someone present to listen. "So,
there is a
uh new job, right,
that I uh watched a while ago
in uh China. H
The job is to accompany people.
Yeah. Uh, for one session of
accompanying, they're paid 1 million
rupiah, right. Just waiting,
accompanying them to eat, or going
somewhere, or doing whatever, right.
Because people just need the presence
of someone else or someone to talk to,
right. That's how much people need to
connect with others. I
and that is what communication is. It's
not just me sending a message and you
sending a message. That's it, right. So
, uh
uh
just sharing a message, right.
Just sharing a message. If it were a
game, it would be like bowling, right.
He
taking turns, one sends the ball, then
the other takes a turn and sends a new
one, smack.
But uh, it's like tennis, right,
a volley,
back-and-forth talking, like a TikTok,
right.
Chat makes us lose a lot of human
language, this chat stuff. Yeah.
There's no nonverbal, no expression.
Vocal expression is also lost, no
intonation. Uh, no eye contact, no
pauses, right. The pauses are also,
yeah, uh, like that. Maybe sometimes
just a line break, that's it for a
pause, right. That's already quite good
, sometimes people forget, right.
Yeah.
Even body language is gone, right. The
phrase" ya sudah "could mean accepting,
could mean disappointed, could mean
angry or resigned. But when delivered
with vocal expression," ya sudah ",
right, it's something else or"
ya sudah ", right. Uh, digital
technology speeds things up, but the
meaning is prone to misinterpretation.
Iwan and Akhwat. Uh, why are we bolder
in hurting people in the digital world?
When meeting in person we can be polite
, on social media the comments can be
hitting, sharp,
uh not caring, right. There are many
cases like that.
Many cases like that. Even staying
silent, dios.
Dios. Yeah.
How can they be so cruel with their
words, right.
Uh, because maybe behind the screen, we
never see, or we don't need to see, the
human receiving our message.
Yeah.
We see an account, we see someone's
profile, or just a username. Even
though behind that account, there is an
actual person, you know. A person who
has feelings. So, uh, one of the
challenges of digital communication is
restoring human presence in
technology-mediated communication.
Yeah. Before hitting send, we need to
ask," If this person were sitting in
front of me, receiving this message,
how would they feel, right? "" So we
understand the human. If the answer is
no, maybe we need to edit that text
again. That's why when writing, we need
to re-check, read and reread, right.
Yeah.
The thing that cannot be fully
delegated to technology is empathy. I
understand your feelings. But humans
who truly understand others 'feelings
must be present, listening, and caring.
Amidst increasingly sophisticated
digital tools, are humans still capable
of communicating humanely with one
another? This is a reflective question
we need to re-examine. Communication
should make people feel heard, valued,
understood, not alone, and capable of
facing problems. We need to build those
feelings. And this has shifted because
of
technology.
That’s right.
Technology will continue to evolve.
Artificial intelligence will get
smarter, social media or communication
media will get faster, and
communication will be easier, but there
is one thing we must not lose. The
ability to be human for other humans.
Because communication or people don't
just need information; they need to be
understood, comprehended, and treated
as human beings. They don't just need
messages; they need the presence of
others. They don't just need
connections, but meaningful
relationships. Technology may get
smarter, but communication shouldn't
lose its humanity. So, Iwan and
everyone, we will discuss tips for
speaking heart-to-heart. That's right.
The first is creating a sense of safety
so people dare to speak the truth.
Start with intent, not from the problem
. Don't start a conversation with "I
have to make them understand." Start
with "I want to understand you."
This is very different. A plot twist,
right?
We end up understanding people. I
think I feel attached if I can "
I want to understand you"
is very touching.
Very touching, indeed.
Yeah.
It clicks immediately. "Why have you
changed?" That doesn't sound pleasant.
"I feel like lately, we've drifted
apart." Yeah. "
I want to know""how you're actually
feeling?" That sounds better, like they
might open up about those feelings.
Talk about feelings, not judgments. Use
a simple pattern. "I feel""this way
when you do this, and I hope for this."
"I feel less close lately when we
rarely talk.""I actually miss""having
time to talk together." Different from
"I feel like you're not paying
attention to me anymore." This is a
significant difference, right? The
first one opens a dialogue. The second
one makes people get ready to defend
themselves. It feels like being judged,
like the "you're not paying attention
anymore" comment. Even though, actually
, we just wanted to say, "I miss you."
Right.
But the way we speak really must be
updated, upgraded, and carefully chosen
. So the first one was creating a sense
of safety. The intention is also to
create safety. Second,
talk about feelings. There is a formula
: "I feel this way when you do this,
and I want this, I hope for this."
Word choice, perhaps?
Word choice. Yeah.
So it doesn't come across as judgmental
or accusatory.
Exactly. Exactly. So, talking about
feelings, I feel lately we rarely talk,
you know. I feel a bit distant from you
lately. Because we rarely talk. How
about we set aside, uh, 15 minutes
every day
to
uh, talk about our feelings. What makes
you happy, your joy today, and so on.
Then another thing is listen until the
end. Don't interrupt. Heart-to-heart
talks fail because we not because we
aren't good at talking,
uh,
but because we answer too fast, we
interrupt too fast. Yeah.
When your partner, child, or parent is
talking, right. Uh, a while ago my
child called to talk, uh,
said this, "Okay, Mom, I want to tell
you something, but please listen until
I'm done." That was very reflective for
me. Okay, okay, okay.
Uh, from the start they already
reminded me, right.
Oh, yeah, right. I'm listening. Oh, I
see. Oh, yeah, I get it. Right. When
finished, they felt much better. Uh,
don't give advice right away. Uh, a
parent's instinct is just like that,
you know.
Instantly reactive.
Just reactive,
right. Quick to respond.
Yes, you should do this or that, right.
Don't compare, don't interrupt, uh,
don't rush to find who is wrong. Right.
Uh, this is a natural human instinct.
Especially because of how much we care.
But try to talk heart-to-heart, as I
said, heart-to-heart is hard, you know.
How to talk from the heart. So what you
actually feel, right. Ah, this simple
sentence sends a message: your feelings
reach me, and with a spouse, don't just
talk about chores, talk about your
inner world too. Connecting as husband
and wife often turns into functional
communication. What is this person's
task? What is that person's task. Did
you eat, pick up the kids tomorrow,
have the bills been paid. Once in a
while, ask something deeper. So, lately
, what makes you the most tired? Yes,
is there something you're thinking
about but haven't had the chance to say
? What can I do to make you feel more
supported? And don't forget to share
about ourselves from the heart, not an
interview. With children, don't rush to
be a parent. Be a safe space. Children
often don't need solutions. They need
someone willing to listen, once again,
until they are
finished.
Yeah. To just listen.
Just listen.
Is there, right?
Maybe we don't know it. Uh, that's
because life is so transactional.
Yes. Even though we need to have close
people in our home who should be
filling that.
Yes.
Yeah. When a child says, "I hate school
." Don't immediately don't do that.
School is for your future. Later you'll
be this, that times width times height.
But that seems correct, right? But the
child doesn't want to accept it.
Yes. Need to understand first, then
know the problem. Uh-huh.
Correct. That seems right. Uh, you look
like you're not comfortable at school,
right? Try telling me about it.
Hm.
What's wrong? Makes the child feel okay
. There's a safe space to talk. Uh-huh.
Even when a child makes a mistake,
separate the wrong behavior from their
self-worth.
Hm. What you did was wrong, but you are
still Mom's child.
Come on, let's find out why it happened
. This is very important. So the child
feels uh can be open uh can be honest
about what they are thinking. With our
parents, listen to experiences, not
just giving opinions, with parents
sometimes we feel they give too much
advice, right? Uh but behind my current
advice, I'm even waiting to be advised
by my parents, I want to be advised,
want to be told this and that.
But my parents rarely do it anymore, so
yeah, I just listen. Uh-huh.
Sometimes we need that too.
Yes. This advice is out of trying to uh
understand, right? Even though
sometimes it is needed.
Uh, while maybe because my parents are
elderly. While with our children, we
immediately tell them, give them
guidance. Uh behind the advice, there
is indeed often a need to feel still
meaningful. Uh instead of saying "Mom,
don't interfere, it's my own future."
For example, like that. I know you're
actually worried and want the best for
me. But can I tell you how I see this
problem first? So we can listen to the
point of view, what perspective makes
them
mm feel uh why it happened, so they
also feel their perspective is valued.
Something like that.
Alright.
Sir. Yes, let's take a break, maybe
waiting for those who want to join this
afternoon's communication talk show,
Iwan Ahwat, regarding the difficulty of
speaking heart to heart. We will return
after the break, stay with us, Iwan.
Radio Rasil for Islam, still with us,
Iwan Awat on the communication talk
show with Dr. Laila Monaganim. The
theme presented is about the difficulty
of speaking heart to heart. So, several
points have been shared by Mrs. Mona
regarding tips to avoid the difficulty
of speaking heart to heart, right,
Ma'am?
Yes.
From a gender perspective, is it
usually women or men who have
difficulty? Because there are also
women who, uh, demand men to understand
even though they haven't explained it
yet. So how about those like that?
Without saying a word, they must
understand. Mind reading, right?
Yes. Everyone becomes what? A
mind-reading expert.
the hope is because we don't, don't
talk heart-to-heart, right?
Yes. Mm, women are, uh, indeed
talkative, aren't they, tend to be. But
, uh, the skill of using, so that we
have the skill to speak heart-to-heart
is also necessary.
Find the atmosphere, find the time,
right?
Asking for time so we can both set it
aside, that needs to be done. Uh,
that's why, like earlier, I felt uh
that, yeah, I felt, mm, there's a bit
of distance or felt like there's...
Yeah. Something uncomfortable
because we rarely talk, for example.
How about we find time, let's say 15
minutes every day to talk about this,
for example, right? So, uh, there's
what I feel,
because of what, so what do we want,
like that.
Heh.
That's a simple formula, right? We can
do it like that.
Yes. Now, for men, what they usually
talk about—if women talk
heart-to-heart, right, tend to be
heart-to-heart.
Uh, but men tend to talk about
practical matters, right? Yeah. Now,
that heart-to-heart talk shouldn't just
be about gossip or talking about
uh, feelings and so on that aren't
productive.
But how to have a heart-to-heart talk
that is productive. That's what needs
to be done. Right, with the right
person, right.
Right.
Sometimes with a partner, it's
sometimes uncomfortable to talk about,
right? Heh.
Talking about sensitive things, for
instance, is uncomfortable, right?
Yeah.
Because it happens in the family, right
. Yeah.
Or talking to parents, talking to kids,
talking to, well, those environments or
people in our circle in a personal
context.
Yes. Yes.
Yeah.
Sometimes blocked by that feeling of
awkwardness, right? Uncomfortable,
right?
Or, uh, had an experience
of not being understood.
Hm. So I'm just too lazy to talk again.
G...
I'm just too lazy to talk again.
Alright,
continuing, there's, there's one that
came in, a question that came in via
the secret WhatsApp from Ibu Pani, Ms.
Mona. Peace be upon you, and Allah's
mercy and blessings.
Peace be upon you too.
Ms. Mona, may I ask a question. I am
the type of person who is open and has
many friends.
Yes.
And I like to socialize, but I cannot
be open to my parents or family. Yes.
I don't want to be open about
unpleasant problems, but for good
situations, I am open. Because my
principle is that when we are open
about unpleasant problems, it only
makes them sad. But if we share
beautiful news, it makes them happy. Is
my nature like this wrong, Ms. Mona?
That is all.
Yes. Uh, in my opinion, we can gauge it
with our own conditions, right? Is it,
for example, like this?
Uh, my mother is quite elderly now, so
I won't talk much about things that
might make her overthink or worry.
Yeah. Keep thinking about it, right?
Yeah. But when it really needs to be
addressed, expressing something
heart-to-heart, "Mom, I'd like you to
be this way or that way with me," is
fine.
Yeah, that's okay. Uh, or, for example,
a situation...A sensitive situation,
for instance.
Uh.
What might that look like? Any examples
?
Yes. Suppose we like to help our
parents or share our earnings, Ma'am.
Suppose there's...
If, for example, we suddenly don't give
them anything because of a certain
reason,
and we don't communicate it to our
parents, it could lead to
misunderstandings later on. Now, like
that, for example.
Yeah, that situation could certainly
happen, right?
If that situation arises, some things
need to be discussed, while others
don't, you know. Yeah.
When we are in a, uh, limited situation
,
and we, uh, need to—I think it's
necessary to speak up because if not,
it might lead to thoughts, maybe...
prejudices.
Prejudices. Oh, maybe their partner
doesn't allow it, for instance.
Right? Yeah. Or, oh, maybe there's this
or that, whatever it is. Uh, that's why
we can say, "Mom, may I share something
? Right now, I have..."
Some, yeah.
some rather urgent needs. So, I'm so
sorry, okay? Yeah.
As best as we can, we convey it
heart-to-heart.
Yes.
Yeah. Uh, I'm so sorry, Mom. For
example, we convey it as well as
possible so that our parents...
don't, yeah. don't imagine things that
aren't actually happening. So, actually
, uh, my partner, for example,
my wife or husband, is very supportive
and really wants to help out. But right
now,
there are urgent costs, so,
God willing, for the time being, I'm so
sorry, Mom, something like that.
Yes, we can communicate that; there are
things we need to discuss
heart-to-heart.
Hm.
Yeah. Some things, wisely, we know are
sensitive to talk about because they
might cause problems or complications.
Yes.
Just let it be, that's our technical
issue that we can handle on our own.
Yeah.
Like that. So, really, the
considerations are rational, emotional,
and rely on our own wisdom. But don't
let it be that we know it's important,
but we're reluctant to talk, or out of
ego,
or we're incapable of understanding
others. So we, uh, avoid it, or for
example, if Mom or our parents, our
father or mother, seem really cold and
act as if they're upset with us.
We need to talk, right?
We need to ask.
Hm. Heart-to-heart. What's actually
wrong? We need to, uh, convey it
sincerely.
Mom, I love you so much, Mom. Mmm. You
are everything for me. Yeah.
Mmm. I feel like lately, Mom has been
so quiet, or Dad has been so quiet. Is
something wrong? May I know what the
problem is? We want to know, right?
Yeah. So, heart-to-heart talks require
opening the door with good intentions,
with a good delivery, and a willingness
to listen well.
True. Correct.
Yeah. It's more about how we deliver it
. How to open up communication with our
parents, right, Ms. Muna? Yeah.
Yes. Some say, "Oh, people, don't say
unpleasant things. That's not good,
actually."
Yes.
That's right. It actually should be
conveyed, right?
Yes. Sometimes we have, uh,
considerations. Yeah.
Like if we talk about this issue, our
children are busy, or the house is
leaking, or this and that, let's just
uh, handle it ourselves so we don't
bother anyone. Yeah. uh there's no need
, for example, if there's a problem,
and our parents are elderly, so we
don't add more burden or stress to them
. we finally, uh, dis-discussed that we
should just talk about things that
won't become a problem for elderly
parents. But there is this
heart-to-heart talk. There are things
we need to discuss heart-to-heart. Like
the problems mentioned earlier,
for example, parents feel reluctant to
ask for help from their children, right
?
We have to talk heart-to-heart. Mom,
please,
you are so important to me.
Yeah.
If there's anything, please talk. I
actually feel sad if you don't talk
about any difficulties you're feeling,
Mom. That's a heart-to-heart talk.
Yes.
Yeah. So
use a prologue first at the beginning,
don't just blurt it out directly.
Yes, true, true, true, true,
heart-to-heart.
Sometimes there are people who like to
speak abruptly, right? How to get them
to use a prologue like that,
this is it, right?
Yes. That's why we must understand
people.
Yeah.
Understand who the person is, what
they're like, how to start it,
use a comfortable atmosphere.
Yeah.
Let's try to learn that. Understanding
others. So, uh, I once had a friend and
I tried to shift because sometimes time
goes by so fast, like with work, this
and that.
I tried to chat with them, listen to
them. It turned out to be interesting.
Yes.
Yeah. It turns out it's interesting to
understand them, it's really
interesting. Uh, in some previous
situations, for example, I had a job
that, oh, it had to be fast, just quick
, bang-bang like that. So, after this
do this, after this do this.
Then, when I tried to shift, wait, let
me try to understand them as a human
being. Yeah.
It’s actually beautiful, you know. Uh
. With all their strengths and
weaknesses, it’s much more
comfortable when we understand someone
like that.
Just try it. Yeah.
Try practicing it.
Practice it. Try to understand your
child, for example, by listening. Yeah.
Sometimes, the parent's instinct is
just
to give advice, right?
Yeah. Straight away giving advice. The
child also needs to be heard.
We should act as if we are their friend
, maybe? It's hard. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. Are there more, or should we
continue first?
Uh, there is another one, ma'am, that
came in. This is from Mr. Ahmad Fauzi
in Cibubur, Bekasi. Peace be upon you,
and Allah's mercy and blessings.
And peace be upon you too.
Ms. Mona. Why is it sometimes easier
for us to talk to people who are far
away than to those closest to us,
like a spouse or a child? Is it because
there is an unresolved wound in the
heart or what?
That wound must be addressed. That is
why heart-to-heart communication must
start from whom? From me. Not from them
. They should be like this and like
that toward me. But I am the one who
must
open up, start it, and understand their
point of view. Listen, why? Oh, so
that's their perspective, I see. Try
listening. Yeah. I feel uh we rarely we
have what is it? a distance in uh our
feelings, we have a distance, like with
a wife, for instance. Not like before
when we were first dating. Uh, I want
us to be able to share anything more
openly and uh not have anything that
makes it uncomfortable between us. I'm
sorry if all this time I've made you
feel uncomfortable. How about we set
aside time to open our hearts to each
other? What is lacking in me,
what uh, I need to improve, and also
what I feel about you. So, we open up
to each other.
Yes.
I feel uncomfortable when you, in the
morning, uh, ask for, uh, I have
already prepared uh, food,
uh, but you didn't tell me since the
night before, for example. Yeah.
So it becomes chaotic. If in the
morning I want to eat this, this, this.
Yeah.
It's sudden, right? It's hard.
That is disruptive, isn't it? That's a
situation that, oh, yeah.
It makes sense, right? Yes. Yes.
Oh, I see. I, I understand. Okay, in
that case, every night, uh, I will let
you know, or let's remind each other.
What is needed for tomorrow,
or whether there's something or nothing
going on. Let's discuss it so it
doesn't become a bother in the morning.
Yeah.
Or for example, paying bills. I'm
uncomfortable if, uh, paying, uh, this
buying gas, uh, it’s already low, you
know. Already.
Yeah. About to be completely empty.
It’s almost empty like that.
Only then is it filled.
I’m uncomfortable,
that’s why I get angry. Now,
that, right,
there is an issue, there is. So it
could be a technical problem or an
emotional one. I don't feel like you
listen to me, so, you know, it can come
out in many ways.
It really isn't easy to have a
heart-to-heart, especially with your
own family because we have
the closer we are, the harder it is to
talk, right?
It’s a paradox.
With strangers, we can be very polite,
we can be very comfortable talking.
But with a partner, with kids, with
parents, we easily interrupt, we easily
get angry, we easily assume,
we easily say, "You're just like that,"
you know? So,
with these words that keep getting held
back
and we keep remembering that it isn't
finished, the anger from yesterday
isn't resolved, you know? So it keeps
piling up, which is why it has to be
unpacked. Now, unpacking it means
having a heart-to-heart talk.
Yeah. To understand the human, to
understand that person, that important
person. Conflict exists in every
important relationship. Because we have
an important relationship with that
person. Because we are humans who have
our own unique differences. Men and
women, even their faces are different,
their types differ, characters differ,
uh, desires differ, expectations differ
. Of course, it’s different. Conflict
does, uh, not exist in unimportant
relationships. Just let it be, I don't
care. Right?
Always like that.
Because that person isn't important to
us. But if it's someone important,
there’s bound to be conflict, right?
Definitely conflict, for sure.
Because they are important, right?
Because they are important to us.
Because we want you to be like me,
that’s mostly it, right?
Like that.
True. Uh, why are the people we love
often the ones we hurt the most with
our words? So we often listen to reply,
not to understand. That also, this is
not simple. When a child speaks,
parents immediately give advice. Uh,
a husband complains, the wife
immediately gives a solution. "It
should be like this, like this, like
this." Parents share a story, the child
immediately contradicts them, you know?
Uh, so it becomes transactional
instead of understanding. So, listening
to people is a form of affection, you
know. And this is what we need to
develop. The language of love is
listening, right? H
uh, the people we love don't
necessarily feel loved. Husbands show
love. So like this, uh, a husband shows
love by working hard, you know? He
doesn't use words, but uses behavior,
for example, right? A husband needs
attention and needs to have
conversation, right? Children need the
presence of their parents, you know.
Parents need appreciation too. So, if
possible, give that to them. And who
should be the one to give it? We are
the ones who must start. Because
You cannot change someone else's
behavior. You can only change your
reaction to that behavior. So, the one
who changes is me, you see. I start,
rather than demanding it from others.
Because if I demand it, the person I'm
demanding from may not want to give it.
So it starts within ourselves, then.
Yes.
It starts with me, period. Because
saying "you should be like this" or "
you should be like that" won't work; I
should be the one to initiate a
heart-to-heart talk so they feel
comfortable doing the same.
And they eventually follow, they do
follow.
Yes. So, in the end, they behave the
way we want. Yeah.
But we have to be the ones to start
first. So the problem isn't a lack of
love, but love communicated in
different languages. Sometimes, those
expressions are just different.
When to speak, and when to be silent?
Silence can be wisdom, but silence can
also be a punishment. I am silent
because I need time to calm down. This
is different from being silent so that
you feel guilty. So it's not just about
talking or not talking, but how and why
we remain silent. I am silent to help
you stay calm. Just convey that, you
know. "Sorry if there was a
misunderstanding." It means we have to
talk, we should say let's talk. Does
anyone want to share?
Yes.
Is there
anyone who wants to share their heart
like Buana? May I read it? It looks
quite long, too.
Sure.
It doesn't state a name, just "a
servant of Allah." Peace be upon you,
and Allah's mercy and blessings. Buana.
And peace be upon you too. Some time
ago, I sent a WhatsApp message to a
woman I was already acquainted with.
Right.
My most intense face-to-face
interactions with her were about three
times, and the last meeting was the
most memorable, after which I kept
imagining her, always thinking of her.
Yeah.
The question is, when we think of
someone, does that person also think of
us? Right.
And second, the content of my WhatsApp
message to her was an expression of my
deep longing for her. I wrote it in the
form of a poem, as if I were
complaining to Allah. Well, the writing
is long. The question is, how do you
think she felt after reading that
message? Was it too much, or what?
That's how it is. As a result of that
message, my number was blocked,
although not immediately. Then, a few
days ago, we accidentally met twice,
and as we passed each other, she looked
like she was turning away and was angry
with me. Because of that, I miss her
even more now. Could you please share
your thoughts on this? Bu.
Yes.
Was it wrong to send the message, or
what happened?
Right.
Well. People are not mind readers, you
see. So we have to talk about it.
Well, um for someone to, you know, like
someone else, there are, well, there
are considerations. In my opinion, um
women tend to be rational
when looking for a partner. Men tend to
be emotional. Um even though it's often
said that women are emotional, in my
opinion, women are rational when
choosing a partner. They think, is this
guy, um, okay for me, am I comfortable,
can he make me feel protected, can he
make me feel
um, safe for my future, and so on. Now,
men, um, when they think, they can be
truly rational. It's true they can
think rationally, but, um, when they
love someone, they are more emotional.
So, um,
when, when the, um, woman
also likes them back, I quite believe
there is an energy, you know. Yeah.
So it could be telepathy, it feels like
, when, uh-huh. connected when there is
affection, both are connected. But when
the, um, person doesn't have the same
feelings, it might not be that
connected. Right? Um, well, the
expression conveyed through the poem
could be understood, you know, as a
form of affection. But whether that
woman likes it or not might be
expressed by her reaction. She seems,
um, to block from the start, then
not accept, um, what avoids, you know,
when crossing paths.
Now,
it means the key is now in the hands of
, um, this, um, servant of God. Will he
continue or not, right? Yes, of course,
keep praying to God to get the best
soulmate. But if, for example, you
really want to approach her, just try
again with a different approach.
Because people aren't mind readers.
Maybe the poem could be interpreted as
yes or no, but people also look at the
effort. Does he show, um, sincere
effort that he is
um, for example, a man, you know,
a man, I think, right?
A man.
A man, yes. For example, this man shows
sincere effort, he can demonstrate, um,
what do you call it? Um, approaches
that show I'm serious, I'm like this,
I'm like that. Like that. Because
sometimes guys who don't speak up, I
have a story of a friend who liked
someone, they seemed to like each other
, but the guy didn't speak up. Yeah.
What happened was she eventually chose
someone else because that other person
spoke up.
So, um, because he didn't speak, didn't
, didn't say it clearly.
Um, he thought a certain closeness or
certain efforts were a language of love
.
Even though they didn't understand.
Even though it wasn't necessarily
interpreted verbally. Clearly, um, this
is the meaning of this statement
because women also need certainty,
right, they need
need confirmation, especially if, for
example, they want to reach the stage
of marriage, right?
it's heading in that direction, so you
need certainty that is
specific, not just
giving signs
just signs, just playing games
then what are you doing, right, I mean,
my friend said that, and then when he
finally made a choice, the guy
regretted it so much
in advance, right
I thought you liked her too yesterday,
yeah because if you don't say it
sometimes you really need clarity,
right
you need clarity, women need clarity
well, if it turns out the woman needs
that clarity, try to show it with your
personal quality. Right? Show your
personal quality. Showing that your
quality makes the woman feel convinced
and safe. Because this is about a life
partner, right. This is not a game,
this is the future. So it has to be
clear, right. After it is conveyed
clearly. If it turns out she doesn't
feel it, well
just move on and find someone who is
more comforting and real, right.
Be ready to accept reality, right.
Yeah. There is someone. God willing,
there is a soulmate.
God willing. And sorry, maybe nowadays,
women are rarely flattered by poems.
Rarely.
Different times, maybe.
Yeah. Okay, poems, but what does that
mean?
Just poems, what is the point?
Right?
Okay. You are like a flower that is
this and that, blah blah blah.
So what? Right? And if the girl isn't
interested either. I mean, in my
opinion, if the goal is to make her
your partner, please show it with your
personal quality.
True. that is convincing to be a
partner, a life partner, right
with a track record and so on. That is
what women need.
But if we aren't clear and our talk is
biased, right.
Yeah. poems and so on. Okay. But what
does this mean? Like that.
In my opinion, it's better to build a
relationship by getting to know who I
am and who she is.
Then after that
the position is that we have to know
each other. Yes.
We have discussed before
how to enter a marriage. Communication
before entering a marriage, we
discussed that before
that we need to know each other first,
need to know our visions and missions,
our backgrounds
and so on. After we both feel convinced
, right?
Yes.
Both sides feel convinced, then go
ahead. Right? Don't just have one side,
because if the man feels convinced by
the woman, but the woman is not
convinced
it won't work.
It won't work.
Yeah.
But when the guy is interested in the
girl and he feels, "Okay, I think I'm
ready for that." He pursues her,
pursues and convinces the woman, you
know. Yeah. Especially if it's for, uh,
something serious, right? Getting to
know the family, too. Serious. Exactly.
Getting to know the family. Yeah.
Getting to know each other's
personalities.
In fact, uh, I have a friend who
suggested using psychological tests
to know, uh, what their personality is
like, right? Yeah.
That's why I can now say that taaruf is
cool.
Yeah. Cool. Taaruf.
Taaruf is cool. Why? Because in taaruf,
there's the rational side, and there's
the emotional side.
Yeah.
Uh, we need the emotional side, right,
feelings are necessary, but the
rational side is also needed. Yeah.
Then, uh...Parents' opinions and
family's opinions, as well as one's own
, are both necessary, right?
The family tends to look at data that
is more real, right,
more rational.
Rational. Right.
Yeah. Uh, those potential partners will
rely more on emotions. So, we need
those two layers to make it strong, to
make it, uh, solid.
Rational and emotional, or is it
necessary? It's necessary.
Necessary, both are necessary. Yeah.
Don't let one be lopsided, don't.
Right. Right,
too. Maybe if you want to pursue
someone, you have to sharpen your
sensitivity, perhaps.
Wondering if this person wants it or
not, because we also like to be
overconfident.
Right. Yeah. Yeah. You also have to be
sensitive, that sense of sensitivity.
We can try, but if, for example, they
don't accept it, don't go straight to
the point. We show them first
what we are like.
Yeah.
Uh, they make that decision after they
know who we are, right? Don't,
from the beginning, say "I like you."
They don't know who we are yet.
What a pity. While we feel "
I think I could be with you," right?
Yeah.
Convince her, convince her through
moments that allow you to get to know
each other.
Yeah.
Join organizations together, take part
in activities that allow for
interaction, to get to know the quality
of the person, right? Right. Right.
Yeah.
It needs a process first, right?
Right. Right. And sometimes marriages
—though not all—begin with being
close friends, for example. Close
friends usually know each other better.
Yeah. Yeah.
So,
an old friend of yours, then it happens
.
Yeah. So, having a partner who you can
say is your best friend is really cool.
Hmm.
Best friend—it's like, acquaintance,
friend, best friend, those are the
levels.
Acquaintance, we just know them. Uh.
Friends, yeah. We feel like friends,
right? You are a friend, a best friend
is someone you can
talk heart-to-heart with.
Yeah.
The closest one. Bestie, in other words
,
bestie. Yeah. If we, uh, if we use the
context of my role as wife, you as
husband, for example, right?
Yeah.
It means the wife's role is bla bla bla
, the husband's role is bla bla bla,
that's not comfortable. Yes. What if
it's true I am the wife and you are the
husband, but we can talk heart-to-heart
about those problems, talking
heart-to-heart is not simple. We have
to make an effort.
Correct.
Yeah.
Mashallah.
Anything else? This,
perhaps we can add it before we run out
of time.
All right. Uh, brothers and sisters who
are blessed by Allah. So,
heart-to-heart happens when someone
feels I can be myself in front of you.
I can be myself in front of you. I
feel free to express anything. Because
of that, there are four things that
must be built. There is a sense of
safety. Being heard, being understood,
only then conveying what the problem is
, what the solution is. So, safe, heard
, understood, then conveyed.
Understood.
Not having a problem, then giving
advice, then correcting. Then what is
the solution? This immediately sets a
firm boundary, right? Because people
need to be understood, heard, paid
attention to, considered important, and
loved. And maybe this is the most
difficult thing. Sometimes our closest
ones don't need an answer.
Yeah.
They only need someone who is willing
to stay for a moment in their feelings.
If connected to communication, this is
the essence of communication where we
dialogue with each other. So it's not
just talking to people, but meeting
others, encountering others,
understanding that they are human. So,
I hope that's useful, brothers and
sisters, and thank you. I apologize if
anything was displeasing.
All right, thank you, Ma'am, for the
enlightenment and the knowledge this
afternoon.
Alhamdulillah.
And that, brothers and sisters,
concludes our discussion on
communication with Dr. Laila Monaganim,
themed on the difficulty of speaking
heart-to-heart. Hopefully, what has
been shared is very beneficial for
everyone, and we will try to talk
heart-to-heart, okay? It's, what do you
call it, something we must strive for.
Don't make demands on our partner. We
ourselves must make the effort. God
willing, everything will be fine. All
right, I am Fahri, accompanied by Ondi
and Fajar Unur, signing off.
Subhanakallahumma wabihamdika, asyhadu
alla ilaha illa anta, astaghfiruka wa
atubu ilaik. Wasalamualaikum
warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.