Transkrip diambil dari YouTube. Klik timestamp biru untuk melompat ke posisi tersebut di pemutar.
0:00 The guest for our inspirational talk 0:02 this time is Ustaz Benri Jaisurahman. 0:05 Ustaz Benri Jaisurahman, or familiarly 0:07 known as Ajo Benri, is a preacher as 0:09 well as a practitioner and activist in 0:12 Islamic parenting who dedicates his 0:14 attention to strengthening the pillars 0:16 of the Muslim family. He studied at 0:20 Maahad Al-Hikmah Jakarta, the Faculty 0:22 of Social and Political Sciences at the 0:25 University of Indonesia, and Maahad 0:28 Uthman bin Affan, Jakarta. His 0:32 commitment to reviving the father 0:34 figure is strongly reflected through 0:36 the Fatherman movement, an idea as well 0:39 as a series of Islamic parenting books 0:42 that focus on strengthening the 0:44 presence, emotional role, and 0:46 leadership responsibilities of a father 0:48 in the family. He also consistently 0:52 cultivates this education through the 0:54 Fatherman YouTube channel and the 0:55 website fatherman.id, as well as his 0:59 social media account on Instagram 1:01 @ajobenri. Amidst the responsibility of 1:06 raising a household with one wife and 1:09 five children, he actively travels as a 1:12 speaker for parenting seminars in 1:15 various regions, conducts lectures, and 1:18 serves as a mentor for @kampungsahabat 1:21 in Bambu Apus, East Jakarta. His work 1:24 consistently invites the community to 1:26 emulate the values of Sharia in 1:28 educating the next generation. Let's 1:31 follow the Inspirational Talk program 1:34 with Ustaz Benri Jaisurahman. In the 1:37 name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the 1:38 Most Merciful. All praise is due to 1:40 Allah, Lord of the worlds. Praise that 1:41 is sufficient and full of His blessings 1:43 , may peace and blessings be upon our 1:45 master Muhammad and the family of our 1:47 master Muhammad. Whatever Allah wills, 1:49 it will happen; there is no power 1:51 except with Allah, the Most High. Still 1:54 being broadcast from Jalan Masjid 1:55 Silaturahim number 36, Kalimanggis, 1:57 Cibubur, Bekasi, Radio Silaturahim and 1:59 also Rasil TV for the one Islam. Peace 2:02 be upon you, and Allah's mercy and 2:03 blessings. Brothers and sisters who are 2:04 blessed by Allah. It is a pleasure to 2:06 have this opportunity to meet with you 2:09 all again in the Inspirational Talk 2:11 program. Praise be to Allah, on this 2:15 occasion we have a special guest whom 2:17 Rasil has long wanted to invite, and 2:20 thank God he has had the opportunity to 2:23 attend, namely Ustaz Benri Jaisurahman. 2:26 Peace be upon you, and Allah's mercy 2:27 and blessings. 2:27 >> And peace be upon you, and Allah's 2:28 mercy and blessings. 2:29 >> Are you doing well and in good health? 2:30 >> Alhamdulillah, I am healthy. 2:31 >> With all the busyness. Masyaallah. 2:33 >> Alhamdulillah. 2:34 >> How have your activities been lately, 2:35 Ustaz? Yes, Alhamdulillah, I am just 2:38 enjoying exercising, to always be 2:41 healthy. Because the trust of knowledge 2:43 must be balanced with the trust of 2:44 health. 2:45 >> That is correct, Ustaz. 2:46 >> Yes. If we are sickly, knowledge cannot 2:48 be conveyed to the community, it is 2:50 dangerous, our reckoning will be heavy. 2:52 >> That is correct, Ustaz. Sometimes we 2:53 meet several Ustaz, right, 2:55 >> they forget to exercise, Ustaz. 2:57 >> Now, that's why I want to... 2:58 >> It's such a shame because their 2:59 knowledge is extraordinary. Yes. 3:01 >> That's very true. Hopefully, pray that 3:02 all Ustaz can be healthy. 3:04 >> Healthy. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen, Ustaz. 3:06 Well, Ustaz, honestly, I have been 3:08 following you for quite a long time, 3:10 Ustaz, 3:11 >> especially your YouTube content, and 3:13 not just because you are here, but 3:16 because I am also a father, learning to 3:18 be a father to four children, Ustaz. 3:22 >> So the content regarding the role of a 3:23 father, how a father 3:25 >> in this day and age 3:27 >> is a concern of ours. 3:29 >> Yes. Yes. And we follow that content 3:31 almost completely compared to other 3:34 content. MashaAllah, Ustaz, that 3:35 becomes 3:36 >> a continuing charity as well, Ustaz. 3:38 And thank God today Ikhwan Nawat, he 3:41 will share with us all, and previously 3:43 Dr. Inong mentioned him several times 3:46 on air so he could share here, 3:48 especially regarding the role of a 3:50 father nowadays, Ustaz. Sometimes, with 3:55 current demands, a father is required 3:58 to earn a living. 4:00 >> That's right. 4:01 >> Then, with all the busyness of his work 4:03 , he also shouldn't forget his 4:05 obligation to educate his family, Ustaz 4:07 . 4:07 >> That's right. That's right. 4:09 >> How is it, Ustaz? Maybe you can share 4:10 it with the view- 4:11 >> MashaAllah. In the name of Allah, the 4:12 Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. Peace 4:13 be upon you and Allah's mercy and 4:14 blessings. Praise be to Allah, and 4:17 peace and blessings upon the Messenger 4:18 of Allah, his family, and companions, 4:20 and thereafter. Thank you all to the 4:23 viewers and listeners of Rasil TV 4:25 wherever you are. We are having a long 4:29 discussion about a phenomenon that 4:31 might make us anxious. In reality, what 4:35 is happening today was already 4:37 predicted by the Prophet regarding how 4:40 >> the condition of the Ummah would be in 4:42 the end times. And among them is the 4:45 LGBT phenomenon which might make us 4:48 feel, "Oh, my child," that worry arises 4:51 . But I think that is good. The good 4:54 thing is this: 4:56 >> because the Quranic text motivates 4:59 parents to want to raise their children 5:02 starting with a feeling of fear. 5:06 >> Allah says in Surah An-Nisa, verse 9. " 5:15 Alaihim," let them fear Allah. 5:19 >> So the word 'khasyah' actually shows 5:21 our worry towards Allah. Because the 5:25 Allah we understand does not let His 5:28 creatures live in this world without 5:30 accountability. 5:32 >> Yeah. 5:32 >> Including the responsibility of being a 5:34 parent. Yeah. 5:35 >> That marriage is not just about getting 5:37 the privilege of pleasure. Biological 5:40 relations, enjoyment, it's nice, it's 5:42 lawful, doing whatever together is nice 5:44 . But behind that, there is a heavy 5:47 reckoning. Now, that reckoning is when 5:50 a man becomes a husband, he becomes a 5:52 father. The Prophet said, "Every one of 5:55 you is a shepherd and is responsible 5:57 for his flock." Now, this is what is 6:00 often forgotten by men, that he will be 6:02 held accountable. This reckoning is not 6:05 about the result, actually, but the 6:06 process. 6:07 >> Process. 6:08 >> So many assume that if a father's child 6:10 turns out well but he didn't play a 6:13 role, he thinks, "Alhamdulillah, I am 6:15 safe from reckoning." Not necessarily. 6:19 >> Because it could be that his child will 6:21 sue him on the Day of Judgment because 6:22 he feels that even if he is good, it is 6:24 because of Allah's help through his 6:26 neighbors, through his teachers. But he 6:29 will harbor wounds caused by a father 6:30 who was indifferent. That happens often 6:32 . That's why I criticize that if we can 6:35 claim a child's piety solely because we 6:38 feel it's our fruit, the one most 6:40 deserving of claiming that is Prophet 6:43 Ibrahim's father. 6:44 >> Hm. 6:45 >> Prophet Ibrahim's father could have 6:47 gone everywhere, his name was Azar. He 6:48 could have gone everywhere acting 6:50 arrogant. "Do you know Ibrahim?""Do you 6:52 know him?""I am his father, you know." 6:53 Like that. Even though Ibrahim's father 6:55 was an infidel. 6:57 >> He had no role in the education of his 6:59 child named Ibrahim. Ibrahim sought God 7:02 in the context of the guidance that 7:04 Allah provided. 7:06 >> So, if we see people who feel their 7:08 children are righteous, it's actually 7:10 because of their teachers, while they 7:12 are busy with padel, higox, or pilates, 7:14 having never played a role. Even the 7:18 child harbors anger, only because the 7:19 teacher reminded them, "Continue to 7:21 treat your parents well." They still 7:23 behave well. So parents like this 7:25 shouldn't think they are lucky to have 7:26 a righteous child, because they will 7:27 still be held accountable. Now, this is 7:30 the context that I must emphasize. So, 7:33 if our child is truly experiencing 7:36 corruption, such as entering the door 7:38 of LGBT, we must remember that LGBT 7:41 doesn't just appear out of nowhere; 7:43 there are factors that, if caused by 7:46 our negligence, will weigh heavily on 7:49 us. Yeah. 7:50 >> And that is why I always remind people 7:53 of this in almost every Friday lecture, 7:56 every Friday assembly. Because I 7:58 believe the Friday sermon is the most 8:01 real medium for men's studies. 8:05 >> That is why I motivate the preachers 8:07 and ustaz to start changing our mindset 8:10 so that our lectures have a curriculum 8:13 for masculinity. 8:15 >> Yeah. Reminding them not just of piety 8:18 in a general context, but piety in its 8:21 actual form. Be a pious husband, be a 8:25 pious father. Why does a pious father 8:30 not stay silent? 8:32 >> When he sees his child straying even a 8:34 little, he will surely correct them. 8:37 The manifestation of a pious father is 8:39 Prophet Jacob. 8:40 >> What is one of them? Even as he 8:41 approached his death, he was still 8:43 thinking about evaluating his children. 8:46 >> Imagine him in the state of passing 8:49 away, "Or were you witnesses when death 8:51 approached Jacob?" Were you there when 8:55 Jacob faced the throes of death? He 8:59 said to his children, "What will you 9:02 worship after me?" Imagine a father who 9:05 is still thinking this way as he nears 9:07 his death. Oh, I must complete my final 9:10 duty as a father by gathering my 9:11 children. " 9:13 >> If I die, who will you worship?" That 9:15 can only be possessed by a father who 9:18 has awareness, responsibility, and 9:20 piety. 9:22 >> That's why the Quranic language about 9:25 this first motivation is to let us know 9:28 that being a father is not just a 9:31 status we boast about. "I am a father, 9:34 you know, I have a child." And I often 9:37 remind people, don't just claim to be a 9:39 father just because you have a child. 9:43 Because if we just have a child and 9:45 claim it, it's as foolish as someone 9:47 who owns a ball claiming to be a 9:49 football player. 9:50 >> Hm. Yes. I 9:51 >> Just having a ball and saying, "I'm a 9:53 football player, you know." Where is 9:55 the proof? "I have a ball." You just 9:57 have a ball and you claim to be a 9:58 football player. Can you dribble? Can 10:01 you do this move? No. It's the same 10:03 with a father. "I have a child, I'm a 10:06 father." Being a father is not just a 10:08 status because you have one, 10:10 >> but a role. I 10:12 >> Have you ever talked to them? When your 10:15 child is sad, what do you do? If your 10:19 child suddenly throws a tantrum at an 10:20 early age, or if your child suddenly 10:22 falls in love, you must perform that 10:23 role. Yeah. 10:25 >> So when a man realizes this, that being 10:28 a father is a role that will be held to 10:30 account, he must know there are fathers 10:33 who will be fortunate in the hereafter, 10:35 and fathers who will be doomed. 10:38 >> That is why the Quranic redaction 10:40 begins with "wal-yakhsha alladzina law 10:42 taraku min khalfihim durriyyatan 10:43 di'afan". "ala ihim." Let them fear 10:48 Allah. Those who leave behind weak 10:50 children. And these weak children are 10:54 not weak because of bad company, but 10:57 because of poor education and poor 11:00 upbringing. So it is important for us, 11:04 and I always say that if that fear is 11:06 within us because we are worried about 11:08 being held to account, it becomes an 11:11 extraordinary energy. 11:13 >> Because a person when afraid of 11:16 something, can have rapid energy. I can 11:19 run fast because I am chased by a 11:21 German Shepherd. 11:23 >> Yes. 11:23 >> Because of someone shouting "thief," 11:25 even a man who is limping can run fast. 11:27 Why? Fear. 11:29 >> So we must remember that fear. All 11:33 fathers must remember. There will come 11:36 a time when Allah will ask about our 11:38 responsibilities, and we cannot just 11:40 brush it off by saying, "But I have 11:42 prayed, O Allah, I have fasted." Your 11:46 prayers and fasting cannot yet be 11:48 considered as indicators that you are 11:50 responsible in the family. That is only 11:53 individual responsibility. Yeah. 11:55 >> But responsibility as a father is not 11:57 manifested through your prayers, 11:58 fasting, and reading the Quran. But 12:01 have you become a father who has 12:02 performed his role? 12:03 >> Yes. 12:04 >> Has your child ever felt approached, 12:08 >> talked to, connected? Well, that is our 12:11 responsibility. 12:12 >> Yes, Ustaz. Regarding the word " 12:14 connected" earlier, Ustaz. In this 12:16 digital age, many parents face quite 12:19 heavy challenges; many children are at 12:23 home, parents are at home, but it is as 12:26 if there is no connection with them. 12:30 Sometimes, children, especially 12:33 teenagers perhaps around 17 years old 12:37 or in college, when at home they are 12:40 just focused on their phones. Sometimes 12:44 it is hard to get them to sleep, Ustaz. 12:46 >> Yes. 12:46 >> When they are asleep, it is hard to 12:47 wake them up, Ustaz. 12:48 >> Sometimes they miss their Fajr prayer. 12:50 True. 12:51 >> They are, what is the term, perhaps due 12:53 to the father's role too, Ustaz? How do 12:56 you see such a phenomenon, Ustaz? 12:57 >> Yes. So the issue of disconnection is 13:00 indeed a major parenting issue that 13:02 occurs not only today. 13:05 >> In the past, even before gadgets 13:07 existed, disconnection had already 13:09 emerged. Because disconnection is not 13:11 born from external challenges, 13:14 >> Yeah. 13:14 >> But it is the result of our inability 13:17 to be inwardly connected since the 13:19 child was born. 13:22 >> For example, a mother who—forgive me 13:24 —leaves her child too soon due to 13:26 work busyness, or for example, a father 13:29 who never even talks to his child. Even 13:33 if they meet, it is limited to being a 13:36 father who acts as a drill sergeant, 13:38 just giving commands like "eat when 13:41 you're told." But in the past, this 13:45 disconnection was quickly healed by a 13:48 natural process of reconnecting. For 13:51 example, when our father scolded us. 13:53 >> Yeah. " 13:54 >> Be quiet." We weren't told why. Back 13:57 then, we didn't have what we call today 13:59 a "new connection." 14:01 >> Yeah. If we wanted to find a new 14:02 connection or run away from home, we 14:04 had to think twice. Back in the day. 14:05 >> Yes. 14:07 >> Outside, there was no internet, no 14:09 malls back then, no internet cafes, no 14:11 hangout spots, just darkness, lots of 14:14 gardens, and rice fields. We’d think 14:17 twice before running away. Right? 14:19 >> People used to say, better than getting 14:21 possessed by a spirit outside. 14:22 >> Instead of meeting ghosts, it's better 14:24 to deal with "human" problems at home. 14:26 So, while at home where we had no other 14:28 choice, parents quickly performed a 14:30 connection recovery. It's called 14:32 reconnecting. 14:33 >> Let’s say they yelled at us and we 14:35 ran off to our room. The next morning 14:38 they’d say, "Assalamualaikum, are you 14:40 still sulking?" Huh? "Here, I've made 14:44 you fried rice." When parents do that, 14:48 we immediately feel, "Oh, Dad was angry 14:50 but he still cares." Because our brains 14:53 didn't have new options yet. Now, in 14:57 today's era, gadgets actually represent 14:59 a picture of how, when children are 15:01 disconnected due to poor parenting, 15:03 they have a "new connection." 15:05 >> Hm. 15:06 >> So, gadgets provide that basic need: a 15:09 new connection. That’s what makes us 15:12 always compare things, saying, "Back in 15:15 my day, Ustaz, my father was very 15:17 fierce.""But we were still respectful 15:20 and polite." Because back then, there 15:22 was no "new connection." 15:23 >> Yes. 15:24 >> But now there is a new connection; 15:26 before, everything came from our 15:27 fathers, and kids only got information 15:30 from their parents. That's why it was 15:32 common for kids back then when chatting 15:34 >> to say, "My dad said this, my dad said 15:38 that." Because they had no source of 15:40 information other than their father. 15:42 Yes, but now children have internet 15:45 access; the Gen Z era from '95 onwards 15:47 had access. That's when we start 15:50 sentences with, "Not really, Dad.""I 15:52 saw on the internet it’s not like 15:53 that."" 15:54 >> This influencer says..." 15:55 >> Even with Gen Alpha, that phrase has 15:57 appeared. "This person says it's not 15:59 like that." In the past, whatever a 16:02 child said, their father's word was 16:05 considered the truth. Then they'd boast 16:08 to their friends, " 16:08 >> My dad has been to Paris, you know." He 16:10 would say, "Well, not anymore." Even if 16:12 Dad went to Paris, the kid would google 16:14 it and know if Dad was lying. That's 16:15 why in the old days, excuse me, even if 16:18 parents raised children the wrong way, 16:20 it was still effective in its context. 16:23 Like lying about eating, saying, "If 16:25 you don't finish your rice, it will cry 16:26 ," right? "If you go out at night, the 16:28 bogeyman will snatch you," like that. 16:31 >> But what kind of kids are these days? 16:33 That's a total lie. There’s no such 16:34 thing. Is rice really that fragile, 16:36 like a lonely person crying? 16:38 >> So, kids today have. See, that’s why 16:41 I always say it’s not the gadgets we 16:44 should oppose, but our own failure to 16:47 build a connection. 16:50 >> Actually, if a child is strongly 16:52 connected—because research shows 16:54 humans have basic needs: first, they 16:56 need to feel related or connected, 16:59 >> second, autonomy, 17:01 >> and third, competence. When children 17:05 feel they are given freedom and aren't 17:08 just being directly instructed, they 17:11 feel their competence is appreciated. " 17:14 Oh, so my kid could actually finish 17:16 this.""Relatedness," experts call it. 17:18 Relatedness shows that the child has, 17:21 uh, a real connection with their 17:22 parents. 17:24 >> They don't view the gadget as 17:26 everything. They see it as an 17:28 alternative for entertainment, like 17:31 someone in a food court. 17:32 >> Yeah. 17:33 >> With so many food choices, they don't 17:36 focus on just one meal. "I want to try 17:38 others," they say. So, gadgets are 17:40 present now because they don't feel a 17:42 connection from their parents. Now, 17:45 fathers today must realize that almost 17:48 all issues of sexual deviance and 17:51 boy’s behavior—becoming 17:53 bottom-leaning, LGBT—the data is 17:56 quite terrifying. Since we are in West 17:59 Java province today, as the data I took 18:02 from Times.id, as the largest 18:04 population in Indonesia comes from West 18:07 Java. The data is from times.id. 18:09 >> How many is that, Ustadz? 18:10 >> 44,000. And that’s just 18:13 >> those recorded as having HIV. 18:17 >> Oh. 18:18 >> So we don’t know about those who 18:20 aren't infected. The Ministry of Health 18:22 data shows that, I'm sorry to say, the 18:24 highest number is in Bekasi. Bekasi. 18:27 Masyaallah. Now, that 18:28 >> remains the study of Bekasi. 18:29 >> Yes. Meaning we think, "Oh, okay." It 18:32 turns out, the issue of LGBT, and 18:35 secondly, the issue of girls losing 18:38 their virginity—60%of girls in 18:40 Indonesia aged 16 to 17 are no longer 18:43 virgins. That's data from the BKKBN 18:47 starting in 2023. It’s scary, 60%— 18:50 that's an extraordinary number, beating 18:53 Mr. Prabowo's election rate of only 58% 18:56 . Imagine 60%, I said okay. The scary 19:02 part is, why are they like that? Well, 19:05 it turns out 19:07 >> I studied it all; it's because of the 19:09 disconnection from a father figure. 19:12 >> Boys don't have a father figure. So, 19:15 they don't get masculine intake, 19:18 >> and they end up acting, excuse me, 19:19 somewhat effeminate. 19:22 >> That’s why I often give a challenge, 19:24 quite, uh, spontaneously. If you have a 19:28 friend who seems like a "pressure 19:30 cooker" guy—soft-boned, if you know 19:32 what I mean. Yeah, very graceful, right 19:36 ? Just ask him, "How is your 19:37 relationship with your dad?" First, 19:40 there's definitely a disconnection. 19:42 >> Yes. Secondly, girls who are easily 19:45 wooed, who often hang out late at night 19:48 with boys until 11:00, 12:00. 1:00, 19:50 2:00, or 3:00 in the morning. I dare 19:52 say, they surely aren't close to their 19:54 fathers. So, this fatherly absence— 19:57 what we call being disconnected from 19:59 the father—influences children to 20:01 seek emotional anchors or new 20:03 connections elsewhere. For girls, they 20:07 become victims of love scams. 20:09 >> Yeah. Love scams, for instance, where 20:12 young girls are willing to trade their 20:14 virginity. It's not just a matter of 20:16 material gain. 20:18 >> But it's also related to their 20:20 underlying psychological needs. Yes, 20:23 there are many such cases. For example, 20:25 a year ago in Bandung, a girl—excuse 20:28 me—was willing to send nude photos to 20:30 a guy who turned out to be an inmate at 20:32 Cipinang Prison. 20:34 >> So the guy was in prison, while the 20:36 girl was at her home. She wasn't 20:38 anywhere else. Her mother was even 20:40 asked, "My daughter doesn't go anywhere 20:42 , Sir." It's true your daughter doesn't 20:44 go anywhere, but in this day and age, 20:46 our children's souls and minds can be 20:47 kidnapped from anywhere. That's why we 20:50 need to understand that the definition 20:52 of "roaming" in the digital age isn't 20:54 just leaving the house; surfing the web 20:56 at night is what we call "online 20:58 roaming." 20:59 >> Online roaming. 21:00 >> So, online roaming is at 10 PM. 11 PM, 21:03 12 AM, they are still surfing during 21:05 those hours. Now, through online 21:09 roaming, they open themselves up to the 21:11 outside world; even if they are 21:13 physically at home, their minds open 21:15 access for criminals like love scammers 21:17 to suddenly message them, DM them, and 21:19 they just stare blankly at night. Isn't 21:22 that just like them being out on the 21:24 streets? It's as if their body is at 21:26 home, but their mind can be connected 21:27 elsewhere. That is what we are worried 21:29 about. And where does the influence 21:31 actually come from? From the father 21:32 figure. So, fathers are, well, we 21:37 should try to embrace them. I know that 21:41 discussions on fatherhood might make 21:44 fathers feel blamed or cornered. But I 21:48 don't think it's about being judged; 21:50 it's about the need for self-reflection 21:52 . If we have already played our role, 21:55 then that's fine. 21:56 >> The most important thing in Islam is 21:58 whether or not your role has been 22:00 fulfilled. If not, then do it. If you 22:03 have, then maintain it. Even if the 22:06 results don't meet expectations, the 22:08 important thing is that in the 22:10 afterlife, we can be judged with peace 22:13 of mind because we accounted for what 22:15 we did for our families. 22:18 >> Yes, Ustaz. You mentioned earlier about 22:20 "online roaming," right? And the 22:23 disconnection—once that occurs, 22:26 online roaming becomes a common thing 22:29 for our young people, Ustaz. What are 22:33 some practical solutions, especially 22:35 when the father's role is, well, 22:36 practically non-existent, Ustaz? 22:38 >> How do we save our young people, 22:40 especially the ones mentioned? 22:43 >> Yes, the girls, Ustaz, are extremely, 22:45 extremely vulnerable. 22:47 >> First, I avoid the term "practical 22:49 solutions." 22:50 >> H. 22:51 >> Because this is one of the traits of an 22:53 instant society that feels everything 22:54 must be solved with "instantanization." 22:57 >> Yes. 22:58 >> I want us all to learn that what is 23:00 happening today is the fruit of our 23:02 past mistakes, which didn't happen 23:04 instantly. 23:04 >> Yes. Yes. 23:05 >> You've been making mistakes for years, 23:08 and then expect a practical answer. 23:10 That's impossible. 23:10 >> Yes. 23:12 >> I always say that we have been taking 23:14 out those online loans for years and 23:16 they've piled up, yet we suddenly hope 23:18 for them to be paid off in an instant. 23:21 >> Paid off. 23:22 >> We must do what becomes a—what? An 23:27 answer to all those problems. That is 23:31 why I always say that among the sunnahs 23:33 of parenting is the willingness to be 23:35 inconvenienced, 23:36 >> willingness to be bothered. 23:37 >> Willingness to be bothered. Whenever 23:38 any of us asks, "Ustaz, my child is 23:40 like this, my child is like that. What 23:42 should I do? I challenge them back. You 23:44 want to ask for tips? Not yet. Those 23:47 tips will only work if we possess one 23:49 trait. The trait is the willingness to 23:51 be bothered. 23:52 >> Willingness to be bothered. 23:53 >> Because all parenting problems stem 23:54 from parents not wanting to be bothered 23:56 . 23:56 >> Yes. Like, crying a little, just give 23:58 them a gadget. 23:59 >> Yeah. 24:00 >> Because you don't want to be bothered. 24:02 Or, a little trouble and straight to 24:03 boarding school they go. Parents don't 24:05 want to be bothered. Whereas, being 24:07 bothered is a choice in parenting. 24:10 Allah always asks us to choose when we 24:12 want to be bothered. Go ahead and be 24:15 bothered when they're little, so later 24:16 you can just sit back and relax when 24:18 they're grown. 24:19 >> Yeah. 24:20 >> Or the second choice, go ahead and sit 24:22 back and relax when the child is little 24:23 . Everything you outsource to others, 24:25 and you'll be bothered when they're 24:26 grown. 24:27 >> Yes. 24:27 >> Later, many parents suddenly get a call 24:29 from the police." Ma'am, your child is 24:31 here. "" Oh, they're just visiting, sir 24:33 . "" No, Ma'am. "Caught." Oh God, you 24:35 weren't like this before, son. "" You 24:37 weren't like this before. "Then I say," 24:38 You weren't bothered with them back 24:40 then. "That's why if we study how Lady 24:43 Hajar showed proper parenting, she went 24:46 through being bothered. When her child 24:50 cried because there was no water or 24:52 food supplies, she ran to Mount Safa. 24:55 >> Yes, then looked to see if a caravan 24:56 was passing by, but there was none. She 24:58 looked to Mount Marwa. Whereas 25:00 logically, if after Safa and Marwa 25:02 there's nothing, it's over. She could 25:03 have said," I've already looked for my 25:04 child. "But no, she searched back and 25:06 forth seven times. The next question is 25:09 , after running back and forth seven 25:11 times, who found the water? Ismail. 25:14 Yeah. 25:15 >> Did she complain to her child," Turns 25:16 out you found the water yourself. "" Ah 25:18 , then why did Mama have to run back 25:20 and forth? "" What a hassle. "There is 25:22 none. 25:22 >> Yes. 25:23 >> So Allah wants us to be bothered. 25:26 Bother yourself so that Zamzam comes 25:29 before you. So, the Sai is a form of 25:34 being bothered. So if someone asks," 25:36 How are things today now that you've 25:38 realized? "I ask back," Are you willing 25:39 to be bothered? "Yeah. 25:41 >> Because everything that will be 25:43 conveyed later is a form of being 25:45 bothered. For example, it troubles you 25:48 to ask for strength from Allah. Because 25:52 the thing is, disconnection doesn't 25:54 happen except because of what happens 25:56 between us and Allah. This is the 26:01 principle that Muslims believe: that 26:03 heart connections aren't due to our 26:05 brilliance as poets or because we're 26:07 rich and can provide everything for our 26:09 children. Allah challenges us in Surah 26:12 al-Anfal, verse 62. Allah says, if you 26:15 were to gather, what is it, wafihim... 26:21 ...anfaqta ma fil ardhi jamian ma 26:23 allafta baina qulubihim walakinnallaha 26:25 allafa bainahum. It is Allah who unites 26:28 the hearts of the believers. 26:30 >> Yes. If you spent all the wealth and 26:32 everything on earth to unite them, you 26:34 wouldn't be able to, says Allah. But 26:36 Allah unites them. Here we know that 26:39 the first disconnection begins from a 26:41 disconnection with the Owner of Life. 26:44 >> Parents who enjoy sinning, neglect 26:46 their responsibilities, and have a 26:49 messy prayer life—that slowly erodes 26:51 their connection to their children. So, 26:54 this is the secret of why parents in 26:56 the past, even if their parenting 26:58 wasn't all that great...... 27:00 >> what people call" VOC parenting "...... 27:02 >> and liked to nag......in terms of 27:04 psychology, that has already been 27:05 debunked. But the children still 27:07 respected them because they were strong 27:09 in their night prayers...... 27:11 >> strong in their spiritual discipline. 27:12 >> Their spiritual discipline. 27:13 >> Their prayers were strong, their Quran 27:15 recitation was consistent, and their 27:17 dhikr was intense. Parents today, 27:20 because they feel everything can be 27:22 solved with psychological approaches, 27:24 they think—forgive me—they sit in 27:26 the front row of parenting seminars. 27:29 Parenting books are diligently read, 27:31 parenting seminars are attended, 27:33 workshops are followed, but they are 27:35 lazy with night prayers and never read 27:37 the Quran; they fall apart. That’s 27:39 why Prophet Ibrahim rarely met his son, 27:42 but we can see how strong their 27:44 connection was. 27:45 >> Yeah. 27:46 >> That was because Allah guarded their 27:47 connection. Imagine, it doesn't make 27:50 sense to our logic. There was a child 27:52 who rarely met his father, but the 27:54 moment the father returned, he wanted 27:56 to slaughter him. It’s not logical, 27:58 is it? A father rarely comes home, and 28:00 the moment he does, he brings a machete 28:02 . He says," My son, come here, Papa 28:04 wants to slaughter you. "If it were a 28:06 child today, they'd run away, saying" 28:08 Dad is crazy. "" Kak Seto needs to know 28:09 , I must report this to the Child 28:11 Protection Commission. "" A father like 28:13 this is basically toxic, "that's what 28:14 today's kids would say, right? Not 28:16 Ismail. Ismail didn't say," You're a 28:18 toxic dad, "but instead, what did he 28:20 say?" Ya abati if'al ma tu'mar. "" Oh 28:22 my dear father. "He used the term" 28:24 Abati. " 28:24 >> Yeah." 28:26 >> Abati "shows that he is a beloved 28:28 father." Abati "in Arabic shows the 28:30 highest level of address for a father. 28:33 >> Abati. 28:34 >> Yeah. It starts from" Bi. "Like" Abi, " 28:37 " Buya, "" Abati. "" 28:39 >> Abati "is at the level where" I really 28:41 miss you, Father, "which shows—how is 28:43 that possible? Among other things, 28:46 Ibrahim always maintained his 28:48 relationship with Allah wherever he was 28:50 . He is called Kholilullah," 28:53 Wa-takhadzallahu Ibrahima kholila. " 28:55 That is why, even when he was far from 28:57 his son, his worship and prayers were 28:59 strong and intense. 29:01 >> Imagine. That’s why this is the first 29:04 rule. Don't use psychological formulas 29:06 first. 29:06 >> Yeah. 29:07 >> Is it troublesome? It’s troublesome, 29:08 it is. 29:09 >> Yes. 29:09 >> It means we have to wake up in the 29:11 middle of the night. Even though we are 29:13 exhausted from work, we have to wake up 29:14 at midnight. We must maintain our Quran 29:15 recitation. Then we guard our eyes from 29:18 things that are haram. Our wealth, our 29:22 work, when there's potential, when 29:23 there's an offer of a bribe, saying" no 29:24 , I don't want that "—that's not easy 29:26 , it's a struggle. 29:29 >> The struggle begins with a connection 29:31 to Allah; if this is sorted, we've 29:33 already won 50%of parenting, or even 29:35 more than that. Meaning, automatically, 29:39 even those who can't speak well, or 29:41 those who are temperamental or harsh, 29:44 can still be saved if their 29:45 relationship with Allah is strong. 29:49 Still can. 29:50 >> Yes. 29:51 >> Only then comes the second connection, 29:52 which is with the child. In what way? 29:55 Understanding what makes a child 29:58 connect is related to their soul's 30:00 needs. 30:01 >> Hm. 30:02 >> The child's soul has three needs; as a 30:04 human, they need autonomy. That's why 30:07 the concept shouldn't be to direct 30:09 everything—eat, pray. It's so hard to 30:11 get through to them. Yes, that's the 30:14 importance of having a dialogue because 30:16 children love feeling humanized. Look 30:19 at Ibrahim when he was going to 30:20 sacrifice his son. If we use a sharia 30:24 approach, sacrificing his son was a 30:26 command from Allah to Ibrahim. 30:28 >> Yes. 30:28 >> And that shows the Prophet's obligation 30:31 to do it because it was Allah's command 30:33 . But even though it was mandatory, 30:36 Ibrahim still respected his son by 30:37 opening a dialogue. 30:39 >> Imagine the sentence in Surah As-Saffat 30:42 101." Ya bunayya inni ara fil-manami 30:46 annii adzbuhuka, "verse 102." O my dear 30:49 son, I had a dream at night that Allah 30:51 ordered me to sacrifice you. "" What do 30:53 you think? "Imagine, he respected the 30:55 child's autonomy. Even though, 30:57 logically, if it's mandatory, he could 30:58 have just been authoritarian and 31:00 dragged his son—" Where are you going 31:01 ? "" Just be quiet, you're going to be 31:03 sacrificed, why keep asking? This is 31:04 Allah's command, Allahu Akbar. "It 31:05 wasn't like that. Now, there are 31:07 fathers who, from the start, just say," 31:09 Why is it so hard to pray? "" Why must 31:11 I pray? "" You were born like this, 31:13 you're an infidel, "that's how it goes. 31:14 So there's no approach that makes the 31:16 child feel," Why is my dad like this? " 31:18 The second is competence. 31:22 >> Children want their competence to be 31:23 valued. That's why if they are someone 31:27 who can, for example, cook, say," Try 31:29 cooking. "" Wow, your cooking is great! 31:32 "Or if they are good at running. Wow, a 31:34 child feels—if now the child is only 31:36 like this—compared to their friends:" 31:38 Dad, I can run. "" The neighbor's kid 31:39 can already do backflips. "So," Dad, 31:41 I'm already... "—the children are 31:43 always put down. 31:44 >> Yes. 31:45 >> That makes them feel they have no 31:46 competence because their benchmark is 31:48 other children. Everything is" the 31:50 neighbor's kid, "" don't embarrass me. 31:53 "" The neighbor's kid, like Mr. 31:54 Husein's son, for example, has already 31:56 memorized Juz 30. "" You, because 31:58 you're so 'sincere,' you've only 32:00 memorized Surah Al-Ikhlas. "So we are 32:02 faulted in competence; the third is 32:05 relatedness. Relatedness is what makes 32:08 children feel that, with their dad, one 32:11 , they rarely talk, and two, if they 32:14 text, the reply is slow. Do you know 32:17 what the needs of kids nowadays in the 32:18 digital era are? Among them is quick 32:21 access. 32:22 >> Hm. 32:22 >> So if kids now text and it's slow to be 32:24 replied to, they just think," Forget it 32:26 , I'm lazy, my dad... "" Dad, can I buy 32:28 , uh, a book at Gramedia? I'm at 32:29 Gramedia, "for example—sorry for 32:31 mentioning the brand. 32:33 >> Suddenly, 32:34 >> the dad replies 5 days later." You can, 32:36 son, "well, the book's already been 32:38 sold out by then. That is why I always 32:42 say, no matter how busy I am, if I'm 32:44 scheduled to go abroad or out of town, 32:46 I ensure my children receive a quick 32:48 response to all their texts. So, if in 32:52 this study session I cannot pick up my 32:54 phone because, for example, of the 32:56 etiquette in our gathering, 32:58 >> then once the study is over, I will 32:59 open my phone and say I'll call them 33:01 right back. Yeah. 33:03 >> Or if, for instance, the study session 33:05 is very informal, I can easily just say 33:07 ," 33:07 >> May I? My child is calling. "I take the 33:10 call." Yes, what is it? "For a child, 33:11 the important thing is that their 33:12 father is accessible. 33:13 >> Yes, 33:14 >> just easily accessible. So they stay 33:16 connected. 33:18 >> I make sure that if my child, for 33:19 example, is in need—sorry, GoPay, for 33:21 instance—I fill it immediately to let 33:23 them know that, yes, your father might 33:25 not be there physically. 33:27 >> Yeah. But psychologically, Dad is 33:30 always there. That is why in my book, * 33:34 Fatherman*, I wrote that introductory 33:36 sentence at the very beginning. A 33:39 father isn't always present every 33:40 second, but a father is always there at 33:42 the right time. And that is the concept 33:45 of parenting in Islam. Being present at 33:47 the right time. Yes. 33:48 >> Alright, Ustaz. Earlier, you mentioned 33:50 the connection with Allah and then the 33:51 connection with the children, Ustaz. 33:52 >> Correct. 33:54 >> And being willing to put in the effort. 33:55 >> Correct. In this day and age, if I'm 33:57 not mistaken, there was a viral post 33:59 recently where a mother felt, after 34:01 giving birth," Ah, it would have been 34:04 better if you weren't brought into this 34:06 world. " 34:07 >> Ustaz, perhaps 34:09 >> you saw that video, and there are also 34:10 many who are child-free now, Ustaz. 34:12 >> Yes. 34:13 >> What do you think about that, Ustaz? 34:14 Many people don't want the hassle, 34:15 Ustaz. 34:16 >> Yes. See, I've had dialogues several 34:18 times with people who promote the 34:20 child-free ideology. They are trapped 34:24 by upbringing patterns that lead them 34:26 to conclusions influenced by the 34:28 devil's trap, called*waswas*(whispers). 34:31 >> Hm. * 34:32 >> Alladzi yuwaswisu fi sudurin-nas. *The 34:34 devil whispers those doubts. Those 34:37 whispers are the illness that makes us 34:39 have ridiculous ideas, using arguments 34:41 that seem natural. 34:43 >> H 34:44 >> If asked, child-free people say," 34:45 Rather than hurting my child, " 34:46 >> yes" 34:47 >> rather than my child not having enough 34:49 to eat because I am a poor mother, 34:51 rather than passing on my trauma, "that 34:53 is*waswas*. 34:55 >> Yes, we are already thinking about a 34:56 future we don't know yet, leading us to 34:58 conclusions that reject the Sharia. 35:01 Like, for instance," Rather than, uh, 35:04 what, uh, cheating, I'd rather have a 35:07 secret*siri*(unregistered) marriage. " 35:11 But in reality, even if that isn't 35:13 technically against Sharia, it is prone 35:15 to hurting one's partner. So, all of 35:19 that comes from those whispers, which 35:21 are actually traps caused by our 35:23 failure to make peace with our own 35:25 upbringing in the past. I always 35:29 dialogue with friends who promote being 35:32 child-free, although I joke that those 35:34 with a" free-loader "mentality should 35:36 join me as" child-pro, "and I'll pay 35:38 for them, for instance, but the point 35:40 is this. 35:43 >> Every child-free person always uses 35:45 their past trauma as an excuse for why 35:47 they are hesitant. 35:48 >> h 35:50 >> And they don't want to pass it on, so I 35:52 bring it back to our basic concept: why 35:55 do you make every wound a justification 35:57 for your unrealistic ideas? Does every 36:01 person who is hurt then think they can 36:03 change a law? For example, 36:07 >> I am traumatized by my parents, so I am 36:09 worried that if I become a mother, I 36:11 will pass that trauma on to my child 36:13 because I would raise them the way my 36:15 mother raised me. 36:17 >> Instead of that, I should just not have 36:18 children. This is the same logic as me 36:21 being traumatized by flying, so I 36:23 shouldn't go on Hajj or Umrah. Because 36:25 rather than going on Hajj or Umrah and 36:27 screaming on the plane, I’d better 36:29 not go on Hajj or Umrah at all. 36:31 >> So I say," I am not saying they are 36:34 wrong, but why think about creating a 36:36 law or breaking a law just because we 36:38 are traumatized? Why not just fix the 36:41 trauma? " 36:42 >> Yes. Yes. 36:43 >> If I may suggest, why don't you focus 36:44 on fixing your trauma so that you can 36:46 go on Hajj? Why don't you focus on 36:49 healing your trauma so you can have 36:50 children? If you validate this opinion 36:53 of yours, 36:54 >> since many people today experience 36:57 trauma, we will experience what is 36:59 happening in Japan, just because of 37:01 trauma, just because of an idea. 37:04 Japanese people are experiencing 37:06 minimal birth rates and high death 37:08 rates. 37:09 >> He. 37:10 >> So they are experiencing a generational 37:12 void that makes them worried about all 37:14 the empty houses. Part of it is that 37:17 they fall into the devil's trap of 37:19 whispers, saying," Can you imagine if 37:21 you have a child, you have to pay for 37:23 college, spend this much, and your 37:25 salary is only this much? "" They use 37:28 rationalization for something that has 37:30 actually been determined by God, which 37:32 is sustenance. " 37:34 >> Well, we get eaten, we get eaten by the 37:36 devil's trap. That's why in the Quran, 37:40 what is it? Eh, *innahu ya’idukumul 37:43 faqra*, right? The devil scares you 37:46 with poverty. Part of that poverty 37:49 makes people think," Better I don't, in 37:50 case I can't feed my child later. " 37:52 Whereas in the Quran, everything on 37:57 this earth is what?*Daabbati illallahi 38:00 rizquha. * 38:02 >> Every creature that creeps, all of them 38:03 have their sustenance ordained. 38:05 >> Our children already have their 38:06 sustenance, including how their life 38:07 journey will unfold. So if there are 38:10 people now who decide to be child-free, 38:12 I don't immediately point fingers at 38:14 them. Let's assume I say they want to 38:18 debate ideologically. But I always want 38:22 them to understand that we are often 38:24 disappointed with fellow beings and 38:27 then get angry at God. 38:29 >> I 38:31 >> Disappointed with parents, so they get 38:34 angry at God. Finally thinking," Why 38:36 should I pray? "" My father is an ustaz 38:39 , but he doesn't care. "That’s why 38:41 they get angry with God. Disappointed 38:44 in a husband, so they get angry with 38:46 God. I don’t want to get married. 38:47 That’s being angry with God, isn’t 38:48 it? Disappointed in parents, so they 38:50 get angry with God. So I say, if you 38:53 realize that God loves you, that Allah 38:56 loves you with your presence today, you 38:59 would be ashamed to be angry with Him. 39:03 The one who disappointed you is just 39:04 His creation. You should only be angry 39:07 with the creation. Leave God out of it, 39:09 you don't need to bring Him into it. So 39:12 , people always think," Why, Lord, " 39:15 even though it's just because of His 39:17 creation. If you want the creation not 39:20 to disappoint you, it means you're 39:22 assuming that creation can never be 39:23 wrong. 39:24 >> That means we are positioning ourselves 39:26 as if no one is allowed to be wrong. If 39:28 not, I'll be disappointed. But humans 39:30 are prone to making mistakes. However, 39:32 God is never wrong. So, you must train 39:34 yourself to be disappointed in mere 39:36 humans. But don’t be disappointed in 39:38 God. The problem is, because of 39:40 disappointment with a human, they 39:42 decide," I don't want to pray. "" I'd 39:44 rather be gay, I'll just break God's 39:47 commandments. "Why?" I'm mad at my 39:50 father. "You're mad at your father, so 39:52 why break God's laws? So, that is why I 39:56 said, in that context, return to Allah 39:59 to heal your disappointment. Being 40:02 disappointed only harms yourself. 40:05 Living with disappointment makes it 40:07 hard to eat or sleep, because it leads 40:10 to grudges, 40:12 >> anger, and so on. 40:13 >> We are the ones who lose out, Ustaz, 40:14 right? 40:14 >> It’s a loss. 40:15 >> A huge loss, Ustaz. 40:16 >> Yes. 40:17 >> Right, Ustaz. Surely many people 40:19 consult you now regarding child-rearing 40:22 and parenting, Ustaz. Are there perhaps 40:26 some cases we can learn lessons from, 40:30 to avoid the things that people have 40:34 been consulting you about lately? 40:38 >> Yes, the variety of consultations 40:40 involves many problems. But truly, 40:44 today Allah has shown me that many of 40:47 our households are not doing well. 40:51 >> H. 40:52 >> They look intimate on screen or on 40:54 social media, but they are actually 40:57 harboring deep anger. And I always say, 41:02 many people today are pretending in 41:06 their marriages, feeding their 41:09 followers content. But their hearts are 41:14 actually disconnected." Hi guys, I'm 41:17 eating with my family, guys. "Like that 41:20 . But they only greet their children 41:23 when told to for the comments. After 41:25 that, they are busy with their own 41:26 things. I ask," How long do you want to 41:29 keep up this condition of pretending 41:31 your marriage is fine? "Remember when 41:34 Allah described the phenomenon of the 41:37 Jews; Allah mentioned how they are 41:40 portrayed from the perspective of 41:42 Sharia. In Surah Al-Hashr verse 14, 41:45 Allah says," Their internal rivalry is 41:47 intense; you think they are together, 41:49 but their hearts are divided. "" The 41:51 hostility among them is intense, "says 41:54 Allah. You, Muhammad, think they are 41:57 united, but their hearts are divided. I 42:00 imagine this verse, even though its 42:02 context is for the Jews, 42:03 >> might relate to conditions today. Many 42:06 households are unknowingly living in a" 42:08 Jewish-style "marriage. 42:10 >> Yes, it looks united, it looks 42:12 harmonious, but their hearts are 42:14 disconnected. So if we don't resolve 42:18 the root cause, affairs will emerge. 42:21 Every disconnection creates two 42:23 possibilities. One, a lost connection. 42:26 Feeling they have no support, they end 42:28 up committing suicide. 42:29 >> There are husbands who spend more time 42:31 staring blankly in front of the 42:33 convenience store, drinking cheap 42:35 coffee, but harboring deep anger. Yes. 42:38 And that shows that he is experiencing 42:41 high stress. You don't feel supported 42:43 by your wife. Moreover, the narrative 42:46 is that men don't talk, suddenly they 42:48 just go crazy, right? That's why I 42:50 always remind people that the data is 42:52 unique. The data is, um, what? Women 42:57 experience depression more than men. 43:00 >> Yes. 43:01 >> But more men are admitted to mental 43:03 hospitals than women. 43:05 >> Well, how can that be, if more women 43:08 are depressed? Why do more men end up 43:10 in mental hospitals? Because men's 43:12 depression isn't detected. This data 43:15 captures only what is detected. 43:16 >> Yes. 43:17 >> But actually, our husbands might be 43:19 depressed, and many wives don't know, 43:21 thinking they are just fine. They just 43:23 keep quiet a lot. Because men aren't 43:25 considered— 43:26 >> um, they are considered" cool "if they 43:28 are quiet." Oh, my husband is so cool. 43:30 " 43:30 >> Even though he is actually in a state 43:32 of severe depression. 43:33 >> So why do men suddenly end up like this 43:36 ? Because they are experiencing a lost 43:37 connection. A lost connection is when 43:39 you receive absolutely no support 43:40 signal, so life feels empty. So, every 43:43 lost connection, eh, every 43:44 disconnection creates a lost connection 43:46 . Second, a new connection. 43:48 >> A new connection. 43:49 >> Well, that's what happens. That's why 43:51 affairs occur. The language of an 43:54 affair is initially, in quotes, refined 43:56 and polite. A husband is annoyed with 44:00 his wife, he asks his female colleague, 44:02 " Can I know from your perspective as a 44:05 woman how to understand my wife's 44:07 feelings? "It turns out, talking to you 44:11 is so easy. 44:13 >> Comfortable. 44:14 >> Comfortable. If only my wife were like 44:16 you, 44:17 >> I don't need a girl who is super 44:20 beautiful. What matters is 44:21 understanding. 44:23 >> So many of these sentences arise from 44:25 the awareness that this is indeed an 44:27 issue of disconnection. 44:30 >> That's why for me, 44:32 >> this era is an era where Allah 44:33 highlights the issue of disconnection. 44:36 So it is time for us to return home 44:38 with one mission. The mission is: it's 44:41 time to reconnect. 44:43 >> It's time to reconnect. 44:44 >> So the first mission of parenting is 44:46 reconnecting. 44:47 >> Reconnect. 44:49 >> Come on, those who already see signs of 44:51 disconnection, start reconnecting. 44:54 Because if not, you will experience a 44:57 tsunami or a flood like in Nepal within 45:00 your household that you never expected. 45:04 Because if we look at, um, what Many 45:10 household quakes actually happen when 45:12 the volcanic ash has already appeared, 45:14 but we don't do anything; we don't have 45:16 disaster mitigation for household 45:18 quakes. 45:20 >> The volcanic ash is signaled by things 45:22 like rarely talking, never laughing, or 45:24 the wife often crying. But we just 45:26 think it's normal, like women watching 45:28 K-dramas and crying all the time. 45:31 Whereas those are alarm signals that a 45:33 quake is about to happen, but we don't 45:36 have household earthquake mitigation. 45:39 That is what's dangerous. 45:41 >> Eventually, from all that disconnection 45:43 , lack of connection, infidelity, 45:45 broken homes 45:46 >> this produces children who are 45:49 >> Yes. 45:49 >> Earlier you mentioned LGBT, Ustaz. 45:50 >> Yes. Actually, the issue isn't broken 45:53 homes. The biggest issue is a broken 45:55 heart. 45:55 >> Broken heart. 45:56 >> A broken heart is the biggest one. So, 45:59 I often see people thinking a broken 46:01 home is just a stigma, saying," As long 46:04 as we don't divorce, the kids are fine, 46:07 "but that's not how it is. 46:11 >> Children aren't afraid of a broken home 46:13 ; they are afraid of a broken heart. 46:15 >> I 46:15 >> I mean, there are two explanations for 46:17 this statement. First, if a divorce 46:19 occurs, that's a broken home. But we 46:22 can perform life-saving mitigation by 46:24 not letting the children have a broken 46:26 heart. 46:27 >> He 46:27 >> yes. we do, uh, unbreak—what— 46:30 reconnect their hearts so they become 46:33 whole again. 46:36 >> That's why there are divorces that 46:38 don't have high turbulence, yet they 46:40 turn out okay. There are people who 46:42 divorce but still maintain proper 46:44 conduct, so they are a broken home but 46:45 not a broken heart. Now, there are 46:48 households that aren't broken homes, 46:49 they don't divorce 46:50 >> but the children see conflict 46:52 >> Yes. 46:53 >> a cold war between their parents, and 46:54 they end up with a broken heart. 46:55 >> Broken heart. Oh, 46:56 >> that is why what we need to understand 46:58 is that a broken heart has more impact 47:00 than a broken home. 47:02 >> Yes. 47:03 >> Thus, a broken heart becomes the reason 47:05 why children run to outside parties. 47:08 >> They trade away their honor, their 47:09 virginity, and so on. 47:12 >> Yes. 47:12 >> Alright, Ustaz. Earlier we were 47:14 chatting before we started taping, 47:16 Ustaz. If I'm not mistaken, there were 47:19 some cases, including Dr. Inung also 47:21 shared that trials with children don't 47:23 just happen to regular people; they 47:26 also happen to many people like 47:28 religious leaders. 47:29 >> Yes. 47:30 >> It turns out their children have 47:32 various problems, Ustaz. 47:33 >> Yes. Yes. 47:34 >> So, Ustaz, how do you see this 47:36 phenomenon? Is it something we truly 47:38 cannot contain, Ustaz? 47:39 >> Yes. First, the presence of problems 47:44 around righteous, good people serves as 47:48 a primary lesson that if it's caused by 47:52 negligence, then we must fix that 47:55 negligence. Don't use it as a 47:57 justification. 47:58 >> H 47:59 >> because don't make it a legality or a 48:01 justification." Well, I'm an ustaz, I'm 48:03 busy for the Ummah, "using the verse*in 48:06 tansurullaha yansurkum*. Whereas we 48:08 know that helping the religion of Allah 48:10 must not be done through oppression. 48:12 It's simple, right? 48:13 >> Right. Even when fighting in the path 48:15 of Allah, we are not allowed to commit 48:17 oppression. Let alone children being 48:20 killed, women being killed. It means 48:22 the pinnacle of helping Allah's 48:24 religion is maintaining manners and not 48:26 committing injustice. Churches must not 48:29 be destroyed. Now, there are people who 48:31 claim to help Allah's religion but 48:33 neglect their families; that is 48:34 injustice. Do not use helping Allah's 48:36 religion as an excuse to commit 48:38 injustice. Why? Because Allah will not 48:40 help. 48:41 >> Because Allah will not help a servant 48:42 who is unjust. Yeah. Allah will not 48:46 help. Yes, that is why in helping 48:48 Allah's religion, don't let there be 48:50 injustice. Because a form of injustice 48:51 is when a wife isn't prepared and 48:52 doesn't give her consent. In the book 48:56 of Siyar A'lam al-Nubala, there is a 48:58 mujahid who wanted to go for jihad in 49:00 the name of Allah. But he did 49:03 preparation for his wife. His name was 49:06 Farukh. He returned home once every 30 49:07 years. His wife was named Ummu Rabiah, 49:10 his son named Rabiah al-Ra'yi. The 49:12 teacher of Imam Malik and Imam Sufyan 49:14 al-Thawri. And there are also reports 49:16 mentioning Imam Abu Hanifah as well. 49:18 And imagine before he left for jihad, 49:21 he said to his wife," Emotional 49:23 preparation, I am going for jihad 49:25 hoping to get intercession, to be able 49:27 to intercede for 70 family members. " 49:30 Because the Prophet once said that, so 49:32 I hope if I am martyred, I can grant 49:34 intercession to you. So his wife said," 49:37 Okay, that means 49:38 >> my husband going out wasn't for his own 49:40 pleasure. Aren't there husbands now who 49:41 go out for what? For motorcycling, 49:43 riding, touring, but their wives are 49:46 left behind and never invited. "The 49:49 second thing," 49:49 >> I provide you with money as capital. " 49:53 >> He gave her about 30,000 dinars, or 49:55 about 150 billion rupiah today. Imagine 49:59 how responsible he was. If now a 50:02 husband uses that as an excuse while 50:05 acting irresponsibly, Allah will not 50:08 help him. H. 50:10 >> That is why if it causes neglect, fix 50:13 it. Do not use the excuse that you are 50:17 busy so you forgot. Whereas 50:19 interestingly, the Quranic concept 50:21 teaches the concept of stages to show 50:24 that the cycle of goodness doesn't 50:26 appear out of nowhere. It comes from a 50:29 process that is orderly. Allah says in 50:32 Surah Al-Isra, verse 26. Give their 50:37 rights especially to those closest to 50:38 you. This verse reminds us that the 50:41 concept of kindness must be felt by 50:42 those closest to us first. So, it's not 50:45 right to suddenly be kind to people in 50:47 NTT while your wife is starving. That 50:49 is not right. Those closest to you 50:51 first. To put it bluntly. Preaching 50:54 must begin with the closest people 50:56 first. Prophet Muhammad to his wife, 50:58 his children, his grandchildren, 50:59 closest companions, then outside. Now, 51:02 there are people who preach but forget 51:04 that their children should have more 51:06 right to their preaching. Or in this 51:09 case, his wife has more right to 51:11 receive it; that is the concept of 51:12 order in Islam. 51:14 >> So if we don't use this concept, the 51:16 system will break. Everyone will race 51:18 to go outside the house, but things 51:19 will collapse. In the end, we become 51:21 someone who is" something "in the eyes 51:23 of others, but" nothing "in the eyes of 51:24 our own family. 51:26 >> Now, that is not right. The Prophet has 51:28 already set the criteria for his family 51:31 . The best among you is the one who is 51:33 best to his family. And I, said the 51:34 Prophet, am the best to my family. Who 51:36 is our role model in preaching? The 51:38 Prophet. 51:39 >> But when the Prophet preached, was he 51:40 indifferent to his wife? Not at all. 51:42 >> People tell me they are busy. How busy 51:44 are you compared to the Prophet? Are 51:46 you greater than the Prophet then? Even 51:48 the Prophet, as busy as he was, could 51:50 still take care of his children. The 51:52 Prophet even had time to play with 51:53 other people's children, you know. In 51:55 the narrations, for example, by Imam 51:56 Ahmad, the Prophet met with the Banu 51:58 Abbas, the children of Abbas, who were 52:00 his cousins. The Prophet even took the 52:03 time to address them, saying," Ya gulam 52:05 , man sabaqo ilaiya falahu kad wa kad. 52:07 "" Hey, young man, if you can race to 52:09 me, you'll get this and that, "inviting 52:11 them to play. 52:12 >> Yes. 52:13 >> Yes, come on, there were Al-Fadl, 52:15 Al-Fudayl, and Abdullah. He invited 52:18 them to play, running slowly so the 52:20 children could chase him and hug him. 52:23 Imagine, he was busy, you know. So that 52:26 argument is debunked if that's the 52:27 excuse. Just admit you were negligent 52:30 and then fix it. If you fix it, Allah 52:32 will forgive. You will be given help. 52:35 Because Iblis made a mistake and was 52:37 stubborn, so Allah cursed him. Adam 52:41 made a mistake, he admitted it, and 52:43 Allah helped him. That is why Prophet 52:45 Adam was wrong but admitted it," 52:46 Rabbana zhalamna anfusana. "So do not 52:48 be a person who is stubborn about 52:50 mistakes by using inappropriate 52:52 arguments. So if it happens among the 52:55 scholars, including me, it is better to 52:57 just admit it. 52:58 >> Just say," O Allah, I have been 52:59 negligent; I have been so busy with the 53:00 Ummah that I have not been there for my 53:01 children. "That is the first point. The 53:03 second lesson is that if we have 53:05 already carried out our role as a 53:07 father despite our busy schedules, but 53:10 we cannot reach our child's soul, in 53:12 that case, 53:14 >> we must know that even a prophet could 53:16 not make his child righteous, like 53:18 Prophet Noah, even though he fulfilled 53:19 his role. He preached day and night, 53:24 but his child and wife drifted further 53:29 away, right? It means he did it night 53:33 and day, but his child still could not 53:35 be brought to the truth. That was his 53:37 maximum effort. That was a maximum 53:39 program. 53:39 >> Maximum. 53:40 >> Yes. Secondly, if he has done his 53:42 maximum but it didn't happen, then so 53:44 be it. So what does that mean? If we 53:47 feel we have done our part, we don't 53:49 need to feel guilty. People might say," 53:51 Look at the cleric's child. "As long as 53:53 we are responsible for our concerns, 53:55 don't worry about what people say. 53:58 Because Prophet Noah wasn't judged like 53:59 that by his neighbors." Oh, Prophet 54:01 Noah's son is a disbeliever, "no such 54:02 thing. Because people knew what Prophet 54:05 Noah had done. Prophet Adam wasn't 54:06 mocked, even though Prophet Adam's son 54:08 was a murderer. He had already done his 54:10 part. Even Prophet Muhammad could not 54:12 make his uncle embrace Islam. The 54:13 second lesson is that if you have made 54:16 your maximum effort, 54:18 >> your maximum program has been done, 54:21 there is no need to feel guilty. 54:23 Because guidance does not belong to the 54:25 cleric, nor to the prophet. It belongs 54:26 only to Allah. Indeed, Allah guides 54:30 whom He wills. Allah says," You cannot 54:32 grant guidance to those you love. It is 54:34 Allah who grants guidance. "That's 54:36 right. 54:37 >> MashaAllah. Very well, Ustaz. Lastly, 54:38 Ustaz. Our viewers and listeners 54:40 include many mothers, of course. Do you 54:44 have a special message for the mothers 54:46 so that this collaboration in parenting 54:48 can run well and smoothly, Ustaz? 54:50 Earlier, you mentioned the importance 54:52 of the father's role and, of course, 54:53 >> Yes. The mother's role is also very 54:54 important. 54:55 >> There is only one fundamental thing 54:57 these days: be knowledgeable parents. 55:00 Because in reality, one of the 55:02 corruptions of the end times is people 55:03 carrying out roles without knowledge. 55:05 >> Hmm. 55:06 >> Right? Wusidal amru ila ghairi ahli fa 55:09 intaziris-sa'ah. If a matter is 55:12 entrusted to those who are not experts, 55:14 then await its destruction. We often 55:17 think this verse only applies to 55:19 someone who has never studied 55:20 construction suddenly building a 55:22 high-rise and it collapses. We feel 55:25 this verse only applies to someone who 55:27 has never studied medicine opening a 55:29 practice, resulting in the patient's 55:31 death. We call it malpractice. Yet, 55:34 this verse tells us that any matter 55:35 without knowledge will end in ruin. 55:38 Parenting must be done with knowledge. 55:40 If not, destruction will follow. That 55:43 is why, if you ask me simply, make 55:46 today a self-motivation. I must be a 55:49 parent who learns, 55:50 >> yes. 55:51 >> I must be a husband or wife who learns. 55:53 >> Otherwise, my home, my household will 55:55 be ruined. 55:56 >> Otherwise, my parenting will be a 55:57 disaster. It is learning that makes a 55:59 person special. That is why Allah poses 56:01 a rhetorical question in Surah Az-Zumar 56:02 , verse 9. Hal yastawilladzina 56:04 ya'lamuna walladzina la ya'lamun. Are 56:06 those who have knowledge equal to those 56:08 who do not have knowledge? In today's 56:10 context, are parents who study 56:12 parenting the same as parents who don't 56:14 ? They are different. 56:15 >> So, keep the spirit to continue 56:17 learning. Because remember, children do 56:20 not need perfect parents. 56:22 >> Children need parents who continuously 56:24 improve themselves. That is what 56:26 children hope for today. 56:28 >> Very well, Ustaz. Actually, there is 56:30 still much I want to ask, Ustaz, but 56:31 due to time constraints, we have 56:33 reached 60 minutes. MashaAllah, how 56:36 time flies. Ustaz, I wanted to ask 56:39 about your books, can they still be 56:41 obtained? Editions 1 and 2, and 56:43 hopefully a third one coming soon about 56:45 the wandering father, inshaAllah. 56:48 >> Yes. And earlier, I received a WhatsApp 56:50 from Mas Safid saying that you have a 56:51 foundation, Kampung... 56:52 >> Kampung Sahabat. 56:53 >> Could you share about Kampung Sahabat, 56:55 Ustaz? Kampung Sahabat. 56:55 >> Kampung Sahabat is one of my ideas for 56:58 developing the community without 57:00 necessarily relying on formal schools. 57:04 Because you see, schools are good for 57:06 meeting learning needs, but they 57:08 unconsciously screen people based on 57:10 the costs they can afford, 57:13 >> and based on intellectual capacity. 57:15 >> Da'wah should grant everyone the right 57:18 to receive education. 57:19 >> Yes. Yes. 57:21 >> So, I thought of developing villages so 57:23 that the people within them do not need 57:25 to be screened. As long as you live in 57:29 this neighborhood, I can foster you, I 57:31 can guide you. So we create clusters 57:34 for the children in the same 57:36 neighborhood. When we collaborate with 57:38 the neighborhood head, it's called" 57:39 Kampung Sahabat "(Friendly Village). 57:41 The little ones, uh, are called" Teman 57:42 Main "(Playmates), those are children 57:44 in grades 1 to 3 of elementary school. 57:46 We have a program for children, uh, in 57:49 grades 4 to 6 called" Teman Tumbuh "( 57:51 Growth Pals). The teenagers are called" 57:53 Teman Rekat "(Bonding Pals). The youths 57:54 who have graduated from high school are 57:55 called" Teman Pesat "(Growth Pals). The 57:57 mothers and fathers have a podcast 57:59 called the Kampung Sahabat Parents ' 58:00 Association. So we have a program of 58:04 monthly studies, parenting classes for 58:07 parents, a place for children to hone 58:10 their skills, teenagers learning to 58:12 upgrade their skills including 58:14 organization, filling free time with 58:17 useful activities, and exploring 58:19 Jakarta to learn history. Yes. 58:23 >> Then we have a program of eating 58:24 together every Saturday called the 58:26 Kampung Sahabat Kitchen. The whole 58:28 village eats the same menu to bring 58:30 everyone closer together. So, excuse me 58:33 , before MBG (free nutritious meals) 58:34 appeared, I was already doing that. And 58:36 that, we... 58:38 >> uh, the goal is one, so that parents at 58:40 least every Saturday, uh, can save 58:42 money to be able to, including later we 58:44 want to build... 58:45 >> uh, a baitul mal (financial institution 58:47 ) to overcome online loans and so on. 58:49 So we want the whole village to grow 58:52 with a shared awareness of piety; that 58:54 is great. So I don't want to just claim 58:56 that what's important is that my family 58:58 is pious. But I want the community also 59:00 ... 59:01 >> together to feel the piety. 59:04 >> Where is the location, Ustaz? 59:05 >> In the Bambuapus area. 59:06 >> Bambuapus. 59:07 >> Just click" Kampung Sahabat Bambuapus " 59:08 . 59:09 >> Yes. Alright. For those who want to 59:11 visit or contribute, maybe they can, 59:12 Ustaz. Masyaallah. 59:13 >> Certainly. 59:14 >> Thank you, Ustaz. Maybe, uh, a little 59:15 closing from our discussion on this 59:17 occasion, Ustaz. Just briefly. Yes. 59:20 Everything in this world, those roles 59:22 will surely be held to account. Yes. 59:24 >> Ensure that when we are held to account 59:26 , we are the ones who can answer 59:28 smoothly. Because we have indeed 59:30 fulfilled this mandate of life as 59:31 maximally as possible. We are held to 59:34 account as a servant, but also held to 59:37 account as a father, husband, child, 59:40 teacher, friend, and all roles of life. 59:43 Live everything with awareness. Don't 59:46 be relaxed, don't feel like you want to 59:48 just have fun in the world. Trouble 59:51 ourselves so that we face the future in 59:53 the afterlife with ease, and are given 59:56 the opportunity to enter paradise. 59:59 >> Amen. Amen. Amen, yes. Thank you Ustaz 1:00:01 Ben for your presence. Once again, we 1:00:04 are very happy that you had the 1:00:05 opportunity to be present here at the 1:00:07 Rasil Iwan studio. Hopefully, we can 1:00:10 all take lessons and wisdom from what 1:00:12 has been conveyed by Ustaz Benri 1:00:14 Iwanawat. Finally, I, Rizal, together 1:00:18 with the duty crew, Kang Atep Setia 1:00:20 Budi, and also these beautiful interns, 1:00:23 take our leave. Subhanakallah bihamdika 1:00:25 asyhadu alla ilaha illa anta 1:00:26 astaghfiruka. Billahi taufik walhidayah 1:00:29 wassalamualaikum warahmatullahi 1:00:30 wabarakatuh. 1:00:31 >> Waalaikumsalam warahmatullahi 1:00:33 wabarakatuh. 
