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0:56 In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious 0:57 , the Most Merciful. Peace be upon you. 0:59 And Allah's mercy and blessings, 1:00 brothers and sisters, may Allah have 1:02 mercy on you. I am so happy and 1:05 grateful we can meet this afternoon for 1:09 the Communication Talk with Dr. Laila 1:12 Monaganim, whose topic today is perfect 1:15 for those of you who are already 1:18 married. 1:21 >> How is everyone? Are you healthy? 1:22 Praise be to Allah. Let us not forget 1:25 to send blessings upon our leader and 1:26 beloved, Muhammad, the Messenger of 1:28 Allah, may Allah bless him and grant 1:29 him peace. May we receive his 1:32 intercession and meet him one day in 1:35 the hereafter, which we so long for. 1:39 Our guest speaker is ready to join us 1:41 in our listening space. Dr. Laila 1:45 Monaganim. Peace be upon you, and 1:47 Allah's mercy and blessings. 1:48 >> And peace be upon you, and Allah's 1:49 mercy and blessings. Hello, Nuning. 1:52 >> Praise be to Allah. Good. 1:53 >> Praise be to Allah. Good. 1:57 >> So earlier, I caught on to how 2:01 husband-wife communication 2:05 >> should be healthy, yet many are 2:07 unhealthy. 2:09 >> I think we need to understand this 2:11 accurately, right? 2:12 >> Yes. 2:13 >> Is it necessary to be patient, or is it 2:15 just because that's their character, so 2:17 be it? Alright, brothers and sisters. 2:20 Whatever the explanation is regarding 2:23 the signs of healthy versus unhealthy 2:26 communication in marriage, that will be 2:29 our topic today. Please, go ahead. 2:32 >> Thank you, Nuning and brothers and 2:34 sisters. Peace be upon you, and Allah's 2:36 mercy and blessings. 2:37 >> And peace be upon you. I hope everyone 2:41 is well, and today we are discussing 2:44 the signs of healthy and unhealthy 2:46 husband-wife communication. This is 2:52 just a light refresh for us to see if 2:55 we are on the right track, whether we 2:58 are healthy or less healthy. 3:01 >> Uh. There are several characteristics 3:05 we need to look at first, brothers and 3:07 sisters. So, safe communication is when 3:11 a husband and wife can talk about 3:14 anything. They can talk about anything 3:20 without fear, without feeling judged, 3:23 right? And also, wanting to talk about 3:28 money, whether they are tired, or 3:30 feeling jealous, it's not a problem, 3:33 right? When fighting, focus on the 3:37 problem, not attacking the person, 3:40 right? I am disappointed that you did 3:46 this incorrectly, for example. Not "you 3:52 are lazy," for example, that is 3:54 attacking the person. 3:56 >> Well, we can practice safe 3:58 communication with several other 4:01 examples. For instance, being honest. 4:03 >> Hey. 4:04 >> I felt jealous when you told me about 4:08 your office friend. It's okay, just be 4:14 honest and say it. I feel overwhelmed 4:18 with this month's expenses. Let's sit 4:22 down together. Let's discuss the budget 4:25 . Or, I feel sad that you forgot our 4:29 plans today. Next time, please let me 4:32 know if you are going to be late, okay? 4:34 So, everything is clear with your 4:36 partner. So, you feel safe when having 4:39 a discussion. And you feel like you are 4:43 on the same team. Let's reflect on 4:46 whether we are a team, not opponents. 4:51 Big decisions, money, and also children 4:54 , and work, should be discussed 4:57 together, not unilaterally. 5:01 >> Uh. If a couple succeeds, it's because 5:07 we feel like a team, not opponents. 5:12 There is a sense of "us," not "me" and 5:16 "you." Being a team, not opponents. 5:20 Initiating discussion 5:22 >> before making big decisions. For 5:24 example, "What do you think if I take 5:27 this job offer in another city?" That's 5:32 discussing things. 5:33 >> Or celebrating a partner's achievements 5:36 , for instance. "Congratulations on 5:39 your promotion."" 5:42 >> I'm so proud of all your hard work." 5:46 Something like that. Or also facing 5:49 problems together. "Regarding these 5:54 home repair costs, let's find a 5:57 solution together." So it feels safe, 6:00 feeling like we are a team, and 6:02 everyone feels comfortable. Then, uh, 6:09 when we, in a couple, have mutually 6:13 respected boundaries. It's great. Each 6:21 person has their own me-time, hobbies, 6:23 and friends without needing excessive 6:26 permission or being suspected. Also, a 6:31 partner's phone shouldn't be something 6:33 that has to be monitored daily, checked 6:35 , and scrutinized; that also needs to 6:37 be looked at. So, personal boundaries 6:40 are respected. These are the 6:43 characteristics of a healthy 6:45 relationship. Healthy communication. 6:50 Let your partner enjoy their hobbies on 6:53 the weekend without suspicion or 6:55 constant demands. Or respecting your 7:00 partner's privacy by not checking their 7:03 phone, or giving them space and time to 7:05 hang out with their friends. This is 7:09 also important. So, having personal 7:11 boundaries maintained means the 7:14 communication in a marriage or romantic 7:17 relationship is healthy. Then there is 7:22 also comfortable intimacy. So there is 7:27 touch, hugs, and intimacy done by 7:31 mutual consent, not because of coercion 7:35 , punishment, or other expectations. So 7:40 , what you might call, giving a warm 7:46 hug or holding hands, because why? 7:50 Because it's based on sincere affection 7:53 between the two. Like that. Then 7:55 intimacy is carried out by mutual 7:57 agreement, for example. Mutual comfort 8:00 without any element of coercion. Then 8:03 also preparing favorite food or giving 8:06 small surprises for your partner to 8:10 make them happy and so on. That is also 8:14 an important indicator of a healthy 8:17 relationship or communication. After 8:22 fighting, because conflict is in every 8:24 important relationship. So, it's 8:26 natural to have arguments. But when 8:30 there is an argument, there must be a 8:32 resolution afterward. Fighting is 8:35 natural, once again. Because after that 8:39 , there is an apology and a change in 8:42 behavior, not giving the silent 8:45 treatment for days or constantly 8:48 bringing up the past. This will cause 8:52 problems. After offering a sincere 8:57 apology, realizing one's mistakes after 9:03 having a disagreement. Then immediately 9:08 apologize. Then sit down together to 9:12 evaluate why we have this conflict and 9:14 find a way out together, right? Resolve 9:18 problems directly without using the 9:21 silent treatment, quietly keeping 9:23 things inside, right? Ignoring your 9:27 partner for days causes problems. Those 9:30 are examples of healthy communication 9:32 with a partner. Now, let's look at what 9:35 unhealthy communication looks like. 9:39 >> Communication that attacks; the 9:42 behavior is aggressive, it attacks. 9:45 Often belittling, like "you're stupid," 9:48 "you're fat,""you're useless"—that 9:50 kind of communication is really 9:52 draining. Uh, what do you call it? 9:55 Blowing up, you're being dramatic. 9:58 That's just your feelings, you know. Uh 10:02 , I don't feel that way at all. So, uh, 10:05 avoid those kinds of situations. Ugh, 10:09 you can't even do that? You really are 10:12 so slow. No wonder your career is 10:14 stagnant. Ouch. That really stings, 10:18 doesn't it, if you're treated like that 10:20 ? It's just your feelings, you're just 10:22 being oversensitive. It's just your 10:23 feelings, you're being oversensitive, 10:25 right? Uh, I was just joking with my 10:28 friend, my girl friend, you know. 10:31 You're just the one thinking weird 10:32 things, right? Uh, yeah, I get mad, uh, 10:37 when I see you, uh, being slow at 10:41 preparing things. Try, uh, to be more 10:47 competent. So we wouldn't be fighting 10:51 like this, right? Now, that's not 10:53 pleasant. So, uh, unlike the healthy 10:57 style, the unhealthy one is all "it's 10:59 your fault, I'm not wrong." That, that 11:02 is very dangerous if it's like that. 11:06 Controlling, excessive jealousy, this 11:09 can also be a problem. Having to report 11:13 in every moment. Not allowed to meet 11:16 friends or even family, right? Money is 11:20 held by one person and is not 11:21 transparent. Restricting activities 11:25 with the excuse that "this is for your 11:27 own good," and so on. This situation is 11:31 also really outdated. Uh, why do you 11:34 need to join family gatherings or hang 11:36 out with high school friends, anyway? 11:38 Uh, better to just stay at home, don't 11:40 do anything weird. Or also, send all 11:43 your salary to my account. Uh, you 11:47 don't need to hold any money, I'll 11:50 handle the shopping later. This is also 11:53 not pleasant. This also causes problems 11:56 . Send your live location now, and then 12:00 video call. Uh, I want to see if you're 12:05 really not going with that friend of 12:07 yours, or I want to know who you're 12:08 with. 12:10 >> Uh, I want to check the chats. Give me 12:13 your phone, let me borrow it. I want to 12:15 read the chats. Oh, it's so complicated 12:19 like that. It's unhealthy. And then, 12:22 having no empathy for the partner. Yeah 12:24 , when a partner is sad, sick, or tired 12:27 , it's considered drama. Ah, you're 12:31 complaining about just that? Uh, 12:33 considering your partner's complaints 12:35 as drama, just like before. Not showing 12:37 up, uh, coming only when they need 12:40 something, and disappearing when you 12:42 need them. That's also a problem. tired 12:46 from work, taking care of the house. Oh 12:48 my, complaining about just that. Other 12:52 people have much heavier workloads than 12:54 you, you know. That is not healthy. A 12:59 partner is sick or exhausted but is 13:01 instead called, "You're so spoiled." 13:04 Like that. Always getting sick over 13:05 little things. The housework isn't 13:07 finished yet. Or, when they are 13:11 fighting, or need a loan, or want to be 13:14 taken somewhere, yes. Trying to act 13:21 nice. But when requested by their 13:24 partner, they avoid it and so on; this 13:28 is also not healthy. Then, a context 13:32 that can make us see that this 13:35 relationship between a married couple 13:39 is unhealthy is that their intimacy is 13:42 not safe. Forced to have relations even 13:47 when unwilling, or conversely punished 13:50 by being denied intimacy for months as 13:54 a weapon, you know. Then, infidelity 13:58 that is covered up or repeated also 14:01 causes problems. So, if you don't want 14:05 to serve me tonight, don't blame me if 14:09 I run elsewhere, like that. That is 14:14 very dangerous. Deliberately giving the 14:17 silent treatment or not touching your 14:19 partner for months as a form of 14:21 punishment is also not healthy. Then 14:26 another form is a pattern of fear or 14:31 walking on eggshells. So you're always 14:37 on edge. Caught behind someone's back, 14:41 chatting intimately with someone else. 14:45 Apologizing and promising to change, 14:47 but the promises are fake. A few months 14:50 later, it happens again. "You don't pay 14:53 enough attention," crazy, blaming them 14:56 again. Already committed a mistake but 14:59 still shifting the blame. So, those are 15:02 examples of healthy and unhealthy 15:05 communication in romantic relationships 15:07 , in marriages between husband and wife 15:10 . That is as a preliminary, Mbak Nuning 15:12 . Anything you want to say? Yes, from 15:15 what was just started, it really feels 15:18 like, "Why is he like that, we are like 15:20 this," and so on. So brothers and 15:23 sisters, yielding is indeed a word that 15:25 is extraordinarily beautiful. 15:27 >> But sometimes, Mbak Mona. 15:30 >> Because of yielding, the other one 15:31 becomes arrogant. 15:32 >> Yes. 15:33 >> So what do we do if, for example. 15:35 >> Let's make an agreement, we are 15:37 newlyweds, right. 15:39 >> Or we've been married for a while but 15:40 see things that are more or less going 15:42 to arise. 15:43 >> Yeah. We make a promise or agreement, 15:46 if you do this, I will do that, it's 15:49 not because I want to, but because. 15:52 >> The promise we already made. 15:53 >> Yes. 15:54 >> This happens to be something someone 15:56 asked, if for example. 15:57 >> They like to explode. Yeah. 16:00 >> We make a promise before it happens. If 16:03 you explode. 16:04 >> Don't explode even more when I then 16:06 enter the room and shut myself in. 16:09 >> Yes. 16:10 >> Like that. 16:10 >> Yes. But if there is no prior agreement 16:12 , they will feel even more insulted. 16:14 The one exploding. 16:15 >> Yes. In my opinion, in a highly 16:18 emotional situation, don't discuss it 16:20 first. So, separate first, each go into 16:24 your rooms, close the doors, be quiet 16:26 for a while. Calm down first. After 16:29 you're ready, then discuss it. 16:31 >> But it must be agreed upon from. 16:32 >> Yes, of course. Must be a discussion. 16:34 >> If not, uh 16:35 >> Yes. Yes. 16:36 >> It’s risky if, uh, it’s prolonged 16:38 and it’s like closing the book on the 16:41 story. There's no more discussion like 16:43 that. 16:43 >> Don't. Yeah. 16:44 >> Uh, this just so happens to be 16:46 anonymous, we'll go with the flow, okay 16:48 . 16:48 >> Yes, sure. 16:49 >> I’m often confused. Always, when it 16:52 comes to his wife, he says that's all 16:54 the money there is. Uh-huh. 16:56 >> But for others, there's always money, 16:58 he can give it to guests who come over, 17:00 relatives or whatever, and the amounts 17:02 are in the hundreds, not tens. Nun 17:06 should ask Mona, what should I do if 17:07 that happens? 17:10 >> That’s why talk without fear or talk 17:13 in a safe situation 17:15 >> before anything happens, talk about it. 17:17 >> Yes. Discuss it. I feel there is a 17:20 situation like this, like, uh, for 17:23 example, your money, without fear, 17:26 there must be a situation like that. 17:29 >> Now, by way of him 17:32 >> uh, preparing first what is to be 17:34 discussed with their partner, right. 17:36 Then talk about it well, then, uh, find 17:38 a solution for what it’s like. Maybe 17:41 he can just say, in my opinion, it’s 17:45 better if, uh, 17:46 >> it's like this and that. explained that 17:50 >> uh, I’m more comfortable if you are 17:53 also open, you know, there's this much 17:56 money, what initiatives do you have for 17:59 the family and so on. Uh, it’s okay 18:01 to talk about it. Uh, but we both know 18:04 or we both have an agreement like that. 18:08 So don't let the relationship become 18:10 unfair. Uh-huh. Yeah. So it cannot be 18:14 denied that in a relationship these 18:17 things will always happen. In an 18:21 important relationship like a husband 18:23 and wife, there will definitely be 18:25 conflict. 18:26 >> It’s impossible. 18:27 >> So it’s impossible not to, so we need 18:30 the ability to talk without fear or in, 18:34 uh, we feel the communication is safe. 18:39 >> Does that need to be discussed first? 18:40 Yes. Once a week or once a month? 18:43 >> Sure. Sure. If, if 18:45 >> if asked to talk like that, they won't 18:46 necessarily want to because they know 18:47 they're about to be attacked. 18:48 >> Right. Right. 18:49 >> Uh 18:50 >> it’s okay if, for example, uh, not 18:52 yet, this is a practice, from not doing 18:55 it to becoming like that, it has to be 18:57 practiced. 18:58 >> But if it’s already running well, 19:01 unless there’s a new problem to 19:04 discuss, right. 19:05 >> Yes. Yes. Uh, I will continue with tips 19:09 on building a healthy relationship, 19:11 healthy communication, intimate and 19:13 comfortable communication. There are 19:16 tips for it, Noning. 19:18 >> The first is that we need to talk 19:21 without fear. Make communication safe. 19:24 Those traits from earlier are applied 19:27 >> talk without fear or, uh, communication 19:31 that is safe. Uh, so how to change the 19:36 way of delivering criticism, for 19:38 example. Uh, there is, for example, we 19:43 talk about finances, uh, this is very 19:45 sensitive, about finances, or financial 19:48 transparency like earlier. For the 19:51 house, there's only this much, but for 19:53 >> outside 19:54 >> outside, there is always some. So we 19:58 need to discuss salary allocation 20:00 management. For example, if there is 20:05 debt, a loan, or a desire to help 20:07 someone, it should be with the 20:10 partner's knowledge. 20:12 >> So, there is an agreement. 20:14 >> That's right. That's right. Or 20:17 financial involvement, so that we are 20:20 involved, and when helping extended 20:23 family, both sides are aware. "Honey, 20:28 let's sit down," for example, the wife 20:30 says, "Honey.""Let's sit together and 20:34 discuss, let's evaluate this month's 20:36 expenses.""I feel a bit anxious seeing 20:41 our savings decreasing quite a lot." 20:45 >> as an opener. Then explain, "I see this 20:49 , or I feel the funds given to me are 20:54 this much, but there are other expenses 20:59 that seem to still exist.""Even though 21:03 we have already tightened our belts 21:04 here." 21:06 >> So, let's discuss it. "I don't feel 21:09 comfortable like this.""Maybe you have 21:12 a different perspective, and so on." So 21:15 , discuss it mutually regarding 21:17 finances or the division of roles. 21:22 >> Yes. 21:23 >> That's right. Childcare burdens, for 21:27 example, who takes care of the children 21:29 . "It's probably you, right? It must be 21:32 the mother," right? " 21:34 >> No, no, not me, you should be the one 21:36 to take care of it," for example. 21:39 Because...There could be burnout for 21:46 one party if they have to bear all the 21:49 household chores, childcare duties, or 21:52 taking care of a sick family member, 21:55 for example. That happens in various 21:59 families, right? "Honestly, I feel very 22:04 ""tired this week.""Having to take care 22:11 of the kids, the house, and various 22:13 things at home alone.""Could you please 22:17 help me with the kids every afternoon 22:19 after you get home from work?" for 22:21 example. We can convey that, or "let's 22:25 discuss it at..." I once told Mbak 22:29 Duning that at my house I had a 22:31 situation like that, and then I 22:33 discussed it. 22:34 >> And then, one of my children, uh-huh. 22:39 Tell us, this is in the family, not 22:42 just between husband and wife, my child 22:45 had an idea, "How about we do this and 22:48 that?" Finally, we divided the tasks, 22:51 and it ended up being run like a game. 22:54 One's task is what, another's is what, 22:57 then we made a note of who does what. 23:00 So it's done together. So finally, it 23:03 was also resolved. Or safe 23:07 communication regarding boundaries with 23:11 extended family or in-laws, for example 23:14 . For instance, there are differences 23:18 in parenting views between in-laws or 23:21 the intervention of extended family in 23:24 our household decision-making. We can 23:28 also discuss it, for example: "I really 23:32 appreciate the input from your mother 23:37 or our mother," for example, to one of 23:41 the parents. "But for matters regarding 23:45 the children's schooling, I want us 23:48 both to make the decision." Discuss it 23:51 just between the two of you, don't do 23:54 it in front of the parents. It might 23:56 become another problem later. So, first 23:59 , we create safe communication, Mbak 24:01 Noning. 24:02 >> Yes. 24:02 >> Second, it's us versus the problem, not 24:07 me versus you. So, once again, we are a 24:11 team, 24:13 >> us. and we solve problems together, not 24:18 me competing against you or me versus 24:23 you. So, we need to make joint 24:29 decisions for big matters, career, 24:32 children, finances, building a house, 24:36 and so on. So, there's no sense of 24:40 competition and we take pride in each 24:42 other's achievements. This is important 24:47 , because, well, a wife might have a 24:50 certain career or a husband might have 24:53 a certain career, where, for instance, 24:56 the husband has a shining career, and 24:58 then the wife has expectations to 25:01 advance but is hindered because she is 25:04 focusing on the opportunity for the 25:07 husband, for example. She needs to 25:11 receive enough empathy that she has 25:13 already done something for her partner. 25:16 That's it. It is also important to 25:21 discuss that, you know, with a sense of 25:23 safety and empathy, between us and the 25:26 problem, not between you and me. The 25:30 argument isn't that we are competing or 25:33 anything like that, or about career 25:36 decisions or further education. 25:40 Nowadays, there are many, for example, 25:44 offers for scholarships for further 25:47 studies or a career out of town and so 25:50 on, wanting to change career paths, and 25:53 so on, so we don't blame each other or 25:57 feel sacrificed or feel that our 26:00 expectations are ignored, but sit 26:03 together, calculate the financial 26:05 impact together, or also the 26:09 adjustments related to family affairs 26:12 at home. 26:16 >> That needs to be a concern, and we also 26:19 need to have mental readiness, as well 26:22 as mental readiness for the children, 26:24 and for everything to be transparent in 26:27 joint decision-making. So, this is very 26:32 important. Yes. 26:35 >> For example, we talk like this, "Mas" 26:38 or "Dear" to our partner, regardless of 26:42 whether it's a guy or a girl, husband 26:45 or wife. This is a great opportunity 26:50 for your career. Let's map out the pros 26:55 and cons for our family. If you take it 27:01 , what adjustments do we need to make 27:04 together in our home? Or in a financial 27:09 crisis situation, an economic disaster, 27:12 for example. 27:16 >> There's a risk of sudden inflation, 27:20 layoffs, business losses, or unexpected 27:23 medical expenses. Now, if the mindset 27:30 is "us versus the problem," we will 27:34 focus on joint efforts, for example, by 27:39 saving, using emergency funds, or 27:43 finding the best solution. For instance 27:46 , if a loan is needed, who is the most 27:48 appropriate to borrow from, and so on. 27:50 We can think about that if it really 27:52 needs to be done, rather than 27:54 belittling each other 27:58 >> or blaming each other, or feeling the 28:02 most burdened in that position. For 28:08 example, we say, "Mas," or "Dear," the 28:13 problem is, our finances are really 28:17 running low. The first step, let's trim 28:23 non-urgent expenses this month until 28:25 our condition is stable again. So let's 28:31 find a solution together, not, uh, let 28:37 it be a competition or a fight, but we 28:40 look for a solution together. Next, uh, 28:43 we have imbalances, for example, 28:46 achievements; there is a difference in 28:50 achievements, like who reached which 28:53 level and/or income, for example, uh, 28:57 career position, education level, or 29:00 earnings. How do we, uh, appreciate 29:05 that, because this is both of our 29:08 family. Congratulations. You have 29:12 reached this level. This success is 29:17 your hard work and the support of our 29:21 family. I am very proud of you. This is 29:26 much better than fighting. Uh, what is 29:29 it called? Jealousy, right? Being 29:31 envious, like that. Now, Mbak Nuning, 29:36 the next tip for a healthy relationship 29:40 is loving but not controlling. 29:45 >> We need to respect the individuality 29:49 >> of each other. There are privacy 29:52 boundaries, personal limits, like that. 29:55 So, uh, why is snooping on a phone not 29:59 allowed? It’s because we might be 30:02 feeling excessive anxiety. 30:05 >> Uh, and that will actually damage, uh, 30:08 trust. Uh, we also need to have our own 30:12 hobbies. If we have our own hobbies, 30:14 it's okay if they aren't the same. If 30:16 they are the same, that's great, if not 30:18 , we can do them separately. We have 30:20 our own social circles without feeling 30:23 any suspicion. Eh, there is, uh, a 30:27 theory that says we want to talk to our 30:30 partner, want to be quiet, want to go 30:32 out together, want to do things 30:35 separately. We want something certain, 30:38 we want something that is a surprise. 30:42 That happens in the basic needs of a 30:44 marriage or romantic relationship. Uh, 30:48 an example of loving without 30:51 controlling, Mbak Nuning, is respecting 30:54 me-time and each other's hobbies. Uh, 30:58 giving each other free time without 31:00 feeling guilty or overly suspicious. 31:03 For example, a husband wants to play 31:05 futsal, go touring, uh, go cycling, for 31:08 instance, with his friends. Or the wife 31:12 wants to watch a movie, go out, or go 31:14 shopping, because girls love shopping, 31:16 including me. So, uh, Saturday morning 31:22 or Sunday morning I want to go cycling 31:25 with friends. Uh, later in the 31:29 afternoon, uh, uh, what is it? uh, 31:35 it’s your turn to go out, maybe you 31:39 want to, uh, shop or maybe do skincare 31:43 with friends, go ahead. So each can 31:48 appreciate and guard, uh, what, uh, 31:51 privacy boundaries including mobile 31:53 phones. Not just suddenly checking, 31:57 needing to snoop on each other, needing 32:00 to know, uh, what is it, the PIN and so 32:02 on. It's fine if, if I share my PIN, 32:06 that's okay. But if not, just let it be 32:10 , uh, don't let it turn into a fight 32:13 over that issue. If you feel like you 32:17 need to tell me something for a 32:19 specific reason, just explain it. That 32:23 also needs to be a concern, Mbak Nuning 32:27 . 32:27 >> He he. 32:28 >> I trust you, you know. I don't need to 32:32 check your phone. I don't need to check 32:36 it every night. The important thing is, 32:40 if something comes up or a friend 32:42 messages you something weird, just be 32:44 open with me, right? There are so many 32:48 weird things out there, Mbak Nuning. 32:52 Keep maintaining your circle of friends 32:55 and your independent community. 32:58 Understand that being married or in a 33:01 relationship doesn't mean losing our 33:03 identity or our social network. 33:06 Relationships outside of that. But we 33:09 also have to look after each other, 33:12 care for each other, and empathize with 33:16 our partner's feelings. Enjoy your 33:20 reunion with your friends, okay? Enjoy 33:23 your time, and just let me know when 33:26 you're heading home. 33:27 >> Jealousy about meeting them? 33:30 >> Meeting them is just the past, it's not 33:32 a thing anymore. 33:34 >> Right? 33:35 >> Yes. Something like that, Mbak Nuning. 33:38 >> Right, that's a picture that truly 33:41 opens our eyes to a new understanding 33:43 that 33:45 >> well, people have conditions that can't 33:47 be changed, but we must also try 33:50 >> to be much more open. Here's a question 33:53 . 33:53 >> Yes, go ahead. 33:55 >> Mbak Nuning, what if the in-laws 33:56 dislike the wife being busy with her 33:59 career? 34:00 >> Yes. 34:00 >> But the husband never defends her. 34:03 >> Yes. Studying for a Master's or PhD and 34:05 having it ignored is such a waste. 34:07 >> Yes. 34:08 >> So, what should she do? That's the 34:09 question. 34:10 >> Yes. So, that needs to be discussed 34:13 with your partner, not the in-laws, but 34:15 with your partner. Because, for a 34:19 husband, pursuing a Master's or PhD 34:22 requires his support. Right? It's 34:26 difficult if you're not supported. So 34:28 before you start or continue, you need 34:31 to ensure support through 34:34 >> discussion, yeah. To get support, and 34:38 if he has already agreed, then make an 34:41 effort to keep him consistent. But the 34:46 only thing we can manage is ourselves, 34:47 right? Our partner or the husband might 34:51 become inconsistent. Maybe he supported 34:55 it at first but then became 34:56 inconsistent. So, what we need to do is 34:59 talk to him again. Hey, husband. You 35:05 know, my schooling is for the good of 35:09 our family too. You supported me before 35:14 . So, I need your support. I need your 35:19 approval. I need your support. Don't 35:23 let this be even harder for me to go 35:27 through. I have to think about the kids 35:29 , I have to think about the family, and 35:31 I have to think about you too. Adding 35:35 to that, I'm already dealing with all 35:38 of that, but now I have an 35:41 uncomfortable situation. For example, 35:46 like what was it? My parents don't 35:51 support me, or my in-laws don't support 35:53 me, and then you also don't give me any 35:55 support, you don't even talk to them 35:56 about it. Instead of solving the 36:00 problem that the in-laws aren't 36:01 supportive, thinking about what our 36:03 stance should be. That's not it, 36:06 instead you end up not supporting me 36:08 either. Even though yesterday, uh, this 36:13 decision was made based on our mutual 36:15 agreement. 36:17 >> Moreover, a husband must be obedient 36:20 and seek his parents 'blessing, while a 36:22 wife seeks her husband's blessing. If 36:26 he just stays silent, maybe it's 36:27 because he doesn't want to hurt his 36:29 parents' feelings. 36:30 >> So again, five letters that must be 36:32 held tightly. P A T I E N C E. 36:35 >> Yes. 36:36 >> For the wife. Okay, this is from Ms. 36:38 Ana. 36:39 >> Uh, wait a minute, Ms. Nuning, wait. 36:41 >> So, uh, we need to show attention to 36:44 our parents, right. That's necessary, 36:47 it's necessary. 36:49 >> So don't let it, uh, uh, lead to 36:52 ignoring or fighting with our parents. 36:56 How about we get ourselves sorted first 36:58 , then later we can settle things with 37:00 our parents together. So us being a 37:04 team is really important; being a team 37:06 will make our relationship healthy, 37:08 pleasant, and happy. Go ahead, Ms. Nuns 37:12 . 37:12 >> Yes. This Ms. Ana isn't married yet, 37:15 based on her question. I've become 37:18 hesitant, 37:19 >> because 37:20 >> I have family where 37:25 >> one of the partners always feels they 37:27 are right, 37:28 >> never wants to accept any criticism. 37:30 >> Yeah. Uh-huh. 37:31 >> And when it's like that, they end up 37:33 sulking, not apologizing. Uh-huh. 37:37 >> If this kind of thing happens, I become 37:39 afraid to move forward, Ms. Ana. Okay. 37:44 >> Not everyone is like that, but how do 37:46 you convince yourself? 37:49 >> First, find a good partner, someone 37:55 with good communication, and we can 37:57 find that before we get married, right. 38:00 God willing, right. Before we marry, we 38:04 look for signs of being comfortable and 38:06 so on. We've already discussed this in 38:10 previous sessions, tips before marriage 38:12 on what to look for and so on. Uh, 38:15 dialogue, mindset, and so on. Not just, 38:19 "Oh, he's handsome, he's like this, 38:20 let's just get married," right. Not 38:23 quite. Even though we already know the 38:27 rules, that we must, uh, what's it 38:29 called? Religiously good, in terms of, 38:33 uh, what's it called? Comfort in 38:36 communication exists, then the 38:37 background is good, and so on. That's 38:41 objective. So both objective and 38:45 subjective must run together. That's 38:49 where the role of a third party, like 38:53 parents, is much more objective because 38:56 the couple or the two people falling in 39:00 love tend to be subjective. 39:05 >> Uh, women, in my opinion, are more 39:09 objective than 39:12 >> Poor brothers. More objective because 39:17 she thinks, "Wait, am I safe with him? 39:20 Am I secure?" They tend to be that way, 39:23 right. 39:24 >> Uh, so, uh, if it's men, it could be 39:28 >> it's subjective, right, when 39:29 approaching a woman. A girl will think, 39:33 is he safe for my life, and so on and 39:36 so forth. Both the subjective and 39:38 objective sides of the woman and the 39:40 man need to be well considered. Of 39:43 course, within religious corridors and 39:46 by asking Allah for the best soulmate. 39:50 But before we get married, we can 39:53 actually know, we can test whether his 39:56 communication is fine or not. 39:59 >> As long as you're not head over heels. 40:00 If you're already head over heels, you 40:01 won't see anything. 40:02 >> Yes. You won't see anything. You won't 40:03 see anything. So we end up being 40:05 subjective like that. Not objective. We 40:07 can test whether it feels comfortable 40:09 when he resolves problems. Because 40:11 surely during the acquaintance phase 40:14 there are discussions we can observe 40:17 and test, you know. Don't be afraid, in 40:22 my opinion, do your best, pray 40:25 optimally, choose the best, and move 40:28 forward. God willing, communication 40:33 needs constant improvement by everyone, 40:36 including myself, I keep improving mine 40:39 . Yes, communication isn't easy, but 40:44 it’s not impossible to achieve if we 40:46 follow those many points. But we'll 40:49 take a short break first. 40:51 >> Meanwhile, for those of you who 40:54 >> have just joined 40:57 >> this Silaturahim radio, our show talks 41:00 about how couples can go hand in hand 41:03 towards a peaceful, loving family. Amen 41:08 . 41:08 >> Alright, we'll take a short break first 41:10 . Thank you for staying with Rasil, the 49:17 voice of Islam, on our communication 49:19 talk show. Are healthy and unhealthy 49:24 husband-wife communication patterns 49:26 part of our life journey too? The signs 49:30 were discussed by Dr. Laila Managanim 49:33 from the start, and it seems there are 49:36 quite a few who feel oppressed. Okay, 49:40 let's continue because the material 49:43 regarding whether healthy communication 49:45 is easy or hard? Well, it depends on 49:48 how we approach it. Please, Mbak M. 49:51 >> Okay. Let's continue. So, in building 49:57 healthy communication, what we need to 50:01 do is make intimacy enjoyable. Make 50:06 intimacy comfortable. We need to 50:10 understand emotional and physical needs 50:13 in a healthy way without coercion. We 50:17 need to fill the love tank, as Mbak 50:21 Duri mentioned, of our partner through 50:25 small gestures of attention. Preparing 50:31 food, preparing certain snacks, making 50:35 drinks, or also aligning consensus in 50:39 intimacy without anyone feeling 50:42 pressured. Intimacy is very important, 50:47 it's very important in a marital 50:49 relationship, but it must be without 50:51 coercion. 50:53 >> We need to show care without having to 50:58 wait for special moments, like waiting 51:02 for a birthday or a certain event. We 51:07 can bring home food, we can bring their 51:10 favorite food when returning home, we 51:12 can bring small gifts, give a light 51:15 massage, or give a kiss, for example. 51:19 Or, for example, just stroking them, 51:22 you know, just sending a signal in the 51:26 middle of a busy day is also important. 51:30 Emotional intimacy is built 51:33 consistently through simple actions 51:37 that can make a partner feel really 51:41 appreciated and loved. 51:47 >> I passed by your favorite cake shop 51:50 earlier. So I stopped by to buy this 51:55 for you. 51:57 >> It's a surprise. 51:58 >> A surprise. Yeah. Right? Hey, I brought 52:01 you something you like. That makes you 52:04 feel so happy, right? They remembered 52:07 me. 52:08 >> Open communication and consensus in an 52:11 intimate relationship are also 52:13 necessary. Be brave enough to talk 52:17 about your comfort levels and 52:19 expectations. And if you're tired, be 52:25 honest about it. Don't see it as a 52:31 rejection, but as respecting a partner 52:34 who is genuinely exhausted, for example 52:37 . Physical intimacy should be done with 52:43 consent, even though there's a rule 52:46 that when it's needed, you should 52:49 provide it. But in my opinion, it needs 52:54 comfort from both sides so that the 52:58 relationship stays healthy. It should 53:02 be voluntary, and they should be 53:05 prepared or told beforehand so 53:07 there’s readiness. Not forced, not 53:11 threatened, and not just fulfilling an 53:14 obligation while feeling pressured. 53:18 That’s not comfortable in my opinion. 53:20 Tonight I’m really tired after 53:23 working overtime. Can we postpone our 53:28 quality time and just talk for now, for 53:33 instance? Also, intimacy doesn't always 53:38 have to be physical, like intercourse, 53:41 but can also be active listening. There 53:46 is also non-physical intimacy, like 53:48 talking. Having deep talks, chatting 53:53 without gadgets—put the phone away. 53:58 We truly talk, listening to their 54:00 complaints, then hearing about our 54:03 partner's day and what they did. 54:07 Creating a sense of safety by feeling 54:10 truly heard, truly understood, and 54:13 feeling that sense of connection. 54:17 >> I'll put my phone away first, okay? 54:19 Yeah. 54:19 >> Just tell me. I want to hear what you 54:23 did today. That is really important. Or 54:26 we can say, "I want to talk, please put 54:29 your phone away." If your partner 54:33 understands, they will do it. Then, one 54:37 thing that is just as important is 54:39 healthy conflict. And we keep making 54:45 continuous improvements. Just like in a 54:48 corporation, like in a company. 54:50 >> Yeah. 54:51 >> Continuous improvement. It's the same; 54:56 there must be improvements. For 55:00 instance, if there's a conflict, manage 55:03 it constructively, end it with a wise 55:06 discussion, and avoid the silent 55:09 treatment, you know, ignoring your 55:12 partner. Then we also have to do a 55:17 joint evaluation. We evaluate together 55:23 and apologize sincerely. 55:26 >> If we have already argued. For example, 55:31 when emotions were running high earlier 55:34 because of a disagreement. so let's 55:40 each take some quiet time alone to cool 55:42 down. After that, we can have a 55:44 discussion. Giving your partner the 55:47 silent treatment for days isn't healthy 55:50 , or doing so without any explanation 55:52 isn't a good thing, right? But it is 55:55 appropriate for us to ask for 55:58 permission to calm down for a moment. 56:01 For example, needing a few hours or a 56:05 day to just steady yourself, you know. 56:11 Avoiding the dangers of the silent 56:13 treatment also means providing 56:15 certainty about when we will discuss 56:17 things by giving an explanation 56:19 afterward. Once our emotions have 56:22 lowered, then we can talk. "I'm feeling 56:25 really emotional right now, and I'm 56:28 worried I might say something that 56:31 hurts you or hurts me."" 56:35 >> So let's both cool down, and tonight at 56:40 8:00, once the kids are asleep, let's 56:45 talk." That can also clear things up, 56:48 you know. Apologizing sincerely, 56:51 without being defensive, is something 56:53 we also need to do. "I'm sorry I raised 56:57 my voice earlier when you asked about 57:00 that trivial thing.""I'm stressed with 57:04 work right now, but that's no reason 57:07 for me to take my anger out on you."" 57:10 I'm sorry for doing that." That will be 57:14 much more comfortable for our partner 57:15 and for ourselves as well. We also need 57:19 to conduct an evaluation 57:21 >> and make new rules. 57:24 >> Now, 57:24 >> for this continuous improvement, right. 57:27 uh the fighting is over. Both spouses, 57:33 the husband and wife, sit back down to 57:36 discuss the root cause of the problem 57:40 so it doesn't happen again in the 57:43 future. Now, we need to agree on a 57:47 commitment 57:48 >> a shared commitment on what we will 57:52 resolve next or what our next plan is, 57:55 what is our concrete plan for the 57:58 future? Not just leaving it in the past 58:02 without any effort to improve things 58:06 moving forward. "Yesterday we fought 58:11 because I forgot to tell you I was 58:14 coming home late.""Moving forward, I 58:19 promise""I will send a text""at least 58:26 15 minutes before"" 58:29 >> my arrival time."" 58:30 >> My arrival time." 58:31 >> Yeah. 58:31 >> So it's clear, you know. "Or at least 58:35 I'll let you know that I have an event 58:38 or something." So, it's comfortable for 58:42 the partner, right, Mbak Noning? 58:44 >> Yes. It happens that someone asked 58:47 about 58:49 >> something really simple, actually. 58:51 >> They're being indifferent. When being 58:54 spoken to, their eyes never look at us. 58:57 There's always something to look at, 58:59 whether it's their phone, the TV, or 59:01 something outside. Should we really 59:03 fight over that? Should we? Do we 59:05 really have to fight because of that? 59:07 >> What should we do? 59:08 >> Uh 59:09 >> is this being needy, or is it not? 59:11 >> Yeah. It is okay to talk about it, Mbak 59:13 Nuning. "I don't feel comfortable when 59:16 you look over there.""I want you to 59:19 look at me." It doesn't mean you have 59:22 to stare constantly, but 59:23 >> show a little care, you know. 59:25 >> Show it. Uh-huh. Show through your body 59:27 language that you are actually having a 59:28 conversation with me. But, Mbak Nuning, 59:32 >> yeah 59:33 >> I have encountered people who have 59:35 trouble making eye contact. 59:37 >> Actually. 59:38 >> Yeah. 59:39 >> How is that? 59:40 >> So, uh, with them, they can't make eye 59:42 contact. So just go ahead and talk. 59:45 They'll be fidgeting with something, 59:49 you know. Yeah. 59:51 >> Uh, or holding paper or twisting things 59:54 around, or saying, "I'm listening, I'm 59:57 listening." Yeah. They can't, they just 1:00:01 can't focus. So that's the problem, 1:00:03 it's a medical issue, right? 1:00:05 >> Now, if it's like that, there's nothing 1:00:07 you can do, right? Meaning, uh, uh, 1:00:12 meaning there's a problem related to 1:00:14 their biological needs, their 1:00:17 physiological needs, right? So we need 1:00:21 to understand, uh, "Hey, look at me 1:00:24 once in a while," we can say that, but 1:00:27 at least we understand that they have 1:00:30 that kind of issue. I've experienced 1:00:34 that with someone, Mbak Nuni. 1:00:35 >> If something like that happens, you 1:00:37 can't really demand anything because of 1:00:38 the condition. 1:00:39 >> Can't demand anything. At most, we can 1:00:41 say, "Yeah, please look at me." So just 1:00:44 keep it lighthearted, Mbak Nuning. 1:00:47 >> Yes. 1:00:48 >> Anything else? 1:00:49 >> There was one earlier, where is it, 1:00:51 about the wife? Now, what if in a 1:00:54 household the wife is more successful 1:00:56 than the husband? What should be 1:00:59 maintained so the husband doesn't feel 1:01:01 inferior? If asked to drive here and 1:01:04 there, he feels like a chauffeur? I'm 1:01:07 confused, Mbak. Oh, my. 1:01:08 >> Yes. 1:01:09 >> Y-yeah, yeah. That's why it needs to be 1:01:12 discussed from the beginning, conveyed, 1:01:15 and understood from the start. 1:01:18 >> Uh, that the wife also needs to show 1:01:21 that she isn't acting like the boss at 1:01:23 home just because she might have a high 1:01:25 position. Maybe her position at the 1:01:28 office is high. Office matters don't 1:01:31 matter; matters at home are between you 1:01:33 and me, right? That's the thing. Uh, 1:01:36 you are important, you, uh, for example 1:01:39 , the partner is, uh, we consider them 1:01:41 the leader, the imam, right? Yeah. 1:01:44 >> Uh, I respect you, and you respect me 1:01:46 too. So we also convey that at home, 1:01:50 our position is that of a complementary 1:01:54 couple. 1:01:56 >> Uh, I, uh, with my religious beliefs, 1:01:59 believe that you are the leader. But 1:02:02 within that leadership, there also 1:02:04 needs to be a discussion between us in 1:02:06 making decisions together. So let us, 1:02:09 uh, build it together. Uh, even if it 1:02:14 turns out I need to be driven, why 1:02:16 should I ask someone else? If I ask 1:02:20 someone else, there might be other 1:02:23 issues later. Right? 1:02:25 >> Inviting suspicion again. 1:02:27 >> It can invite suspicion that could lead 1:02:29 anywhere. Yeah. Why? 1:02:30 >> If it's an ojek driver, no. 1:02:31 >> An ojek driver, no. Yes. I. 1:02:34 >> Okay. This is from Mr. Abu Arkom. Mrs. 1:02:37 Mona. When a misunderstanding happens, 1:02:41 I usually prefer to stay silent rather 1:02:43 than talking about it immediately. 1:02:46 >> Yes. 1:02:47 >> Is this good? 1:02:48 >> Yes. 1:02:49 >> And are there any simple tips that are 1:02:52 easy to apply so that communication 1:02:55 with a partner is maintained in any 1:02:57 condition? 1:02:59 >> Yes. I think it needs to be discussed 1:03:04 if, if silence, silence is when we 1:03:08 maybe feel like, we can't do anything 1:03:12 else anymore, right? 1:03:15 >> Giving up. 1:03:15 >> Yeah. 1:03:18 >> In my opinion, what's good is to be 1:03:21 assertive, to state the problem 1:03:24 directly, right? 1:03:27 >> When it’s bothersome. If it doesn't 1:03:30 bother you, then just let it go. It 1:03:32 doesn't really bother you, for example, 1:03:34 if you aren't being looked at 1:03:35 constantly, then it becomes annoying, 1:03:37 right? 1:03:39 >> So, ask to be looked at, just ask to be 1:03:40 looked at. But when they say, "I have a 1:03:43 problem here." There's a health issue, 1:03:46 or a problem where we can't meet 1:03:48 face-to-face, for example, well then, 1:03:50 okay. Yeah, you can understand that. 1:03:53 >> Maybe we can negotiate, "Once in a 1:03:55 while, look at me.""I’ve already 1:03:58 dressed up, you know.""Look at me, 1:04:01 please," right? That's, that's, what is 1:04:06 it? Maybe kidding around or, what is it 1:04:09 ? A bit of teasing, or saying, a 1:04:15 relaxed way to talk to our partner. 1:04:18 >> But if you're just silent, every 1:04:19 problem you're silent. Every problem, 1:04:21 silent. That's us positioning ourselves 1:04:24 as lower or not contributing to solving 1:04:27 the problem. So I think it’s better 1:04:31 to invite your partner to talk. So have 1:04:36 a safe, open communication, without 1:04:39 feeling pressured to discuss it. When 1:04:42 it's important, you know. If it’s not 1:04:44 that important, just let it go. For 1:04:46 example, choosing, right, for instance 1:04:49 choosing...toothpaste, we want brand A, 1:04:55 they want B, well, it's fine, it's just 1:04:58 the same. Yeah. Just buy both, right? 1:05:02 That's also a good way to negotiate. 1:05:05 >> Okay. I heard this earlier, Mr. Budi, 1:05:08 right? What about healthy conflict? How 1:05:11 can conflict be healthy? Please explain 1:05:14 , I've heard about it. 1:05:15 >> Yes. Yes. So, the statement is that 1:05:18 conflict exists in every important 1:05:20 relationship. 1:05:22 >> If we have an important relationship 1:05:24 with someone, there will surely be 1:05:26 conflict. Why? Because person A and 1:05:28 person B 1:05:29 >> are different. 1:05:30 >> Different. Different 1:05:32 >> backgrounds, different DNA. Yes, from 1:05:36 birth, their traits are different, 1:05:37 their wants are different, their 1:05:39 desires are different, their genders 1:05:41 are different, even their faces are 1:05:43 different. So their expectations are 1:05:46 also different. So it’s only natural 1:05:48 they are different. But with those 1:05:51 differences, if it turns out to be a 1:05:54 nuisance, then we have to discuss it. 1:05:59 Therefore, a safe conversation for 1:06:02 everyone to discuss the difficulties 1:06:05 will make the communication much 1:06:08 healthier. 1:06:12 >> So again, for men and women, keep 1:06:14 discussing, chatting, talking, and 1:06:16 discussing; keeping it going will open 1:06:18 a path. 1:06:19 >> Yes. Yeah. Healthy talk is what solves 1:06:22 solutions, finds the problem, right? 1:06:24 >> Yes. Knowing what is wanted and what is 1:06:27 uncomfortable, unless, for example, the 1:06:30 problem doesn't need to be discussed, 1:06:32 like the trivial things mentioned 1:06:34 earlier, choosing what to eat today, 1:06:36 whatever is available. Then, for 1:06:39 example, if we start to feel bothered 1:06:41 that the food is always the same, we 1:06:43 should talk about it, yes, talk about 1:06:45 it. But if it just happens to be 1:06:47 what’s available and we wanted 1:06:48 something else, don't make it 1:06:49 complicated, right? 1:06:52 >> Yes, yes. 1:06:53 >> Uh-huh. Okay, this one has no name. 1:06:55 0811 and so on. "Sis, yesterday we 1:07:00 agreed that on even-numbered weekends 1:07:04 >> we would go out early in the morning." 1:07:05 >> Uh-huh. " 1:07:07 >> Go somewhere, maybe?""Go to the park, 1:07:11 go for a walk, or have a picnic." 1:07:14 >> Uh-huh. " 1:07:15 >> But he always makes excuses, 'Ah, I'm 1:07:17 lazy,' should this be tolerated? 1:07:20 Laziness, even though it was an 1:07:22 agreement." Yes. Isn't it? But during 1:07:24 the second week, he said, even-numbered 1:07:26 week, right? 1:07:27 >> Uh-huh. 1:07:28 >> Talk about it, talk about it. 1:07:30 >> That we already have an agreement, look 1:07:32 , I really need this. Uh-huh. Hold him 1:07:34 to it. Hold him to it. I really need 1:07:36 that. 1:07:37 >> Unless, for example, he is working on 1:07:40 something that night, then, oh, if so, 1:07:42 then the following Sunday, right? If 1:07:45 possible, find time so that the second 1:07:49 week is 1:07:50 >> free. 1:07:50 >> Free, safe like that. Right? If, for 1:07:54 example, he has something, unless once 1:07:57 in a while there is something urgent to 1:08:00 do in that one week of the month, the 1:08:02 second week can be moved to the third 1:08:05 week because of that, yes, it’s fine. 1:08:09 But still, that one week that is 1:08:11 mandatory for the relationship, to 1:08:13 improve the relationship, it is needed, 1:08:15 yes, together like that. 1:08:17 >> Okay, that’s very interesting. 1:08:19 >> I’d like to share and add something, 1:08:21 Ms. Nun. Yes, go ahead. 1:08:22 >> Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, 1:08:25 our beloved. 1:08:26 >> Uh. 1:08:28 >> He is the best example in building 1:08:31 communication with safety, full of 1:08:34 affection, and empathy toward his wives 1:08:38 , right? So, as an active listener, an 1:08:43 empathetic listener, active listening 1:08:46 is what he practiced, right? So, for 1:08:50 example, listening to stories shared 1:08:53 with patience without interrupting the 1:08:56 conversation, oh my goodness, and 1:08:59 showing no signs of boredom, that is 1:09:01 extraordinary, it is so wonderful and 1:09:04 cool to be treated like that by a 1:09:07 partner, right? Uh. Then also, for 1:09:13 example, calling with terms of 1:09:16 endearment, for instance, using 1:09:18 romantic language, right? Yes, Humairah 1:09:21 , the one with the rosy cheeks. Oh, 1:09:26 >> if you never do it and suddenly do, 1:09:27 wouldn't they be confused? 1:09:30 >> Yes, yes, yes, yes. We have the 1:09:32 Prophet's example, right, his form of 1:09:36 communication; he never hesitated to 1:09:39 express his feelings or his affection, 1:09:43 his love, his compliments verbally. 1:09:47 That is important, those verbal 1:09:49 compliments, right? Then, creating a 1:09:52 sense of safety, a sense of being 1:09:55 valued, feeling emotional intimacy in 1:09:58 the household, he strove for that, 1:10:01 right? Gentle and wise during 1:10:04 disagreements or jealousy. He also did 1:10:07 that, right? When one of his wives felt 1:10:13 jealous, he also did not snap, did not 1:10:16 get angry, and didn't respond in a high 1:10:20 tone, right, but in a gentle tone. In 1:10:25 fact, what is it, his attitude was to 1:10:30 heal those feelings so we don't get 1:10:32 jealous. So that is how extraordinary 1:10:35 our prophet is, our role model, the 1:10:37 Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him. 1:10:41 >> Yes, 1:10:41 >> it would be very good if we could be 1:10:42 like that, wouldn't it, Ms. Nuning? 1:10:44 >> Even though, frankly, it certainly 1:10:46 isn't easy, we should optimize our 1:10:47 efforts toward that. 1:10:49 >> True, true, true. 1:10:50 >> Emm, before adding anything else, there 1:10:53 is a question here from—there's no 1:10:55 name—a neighbor or friend, I suppose. 1:10:59 Uh-huh. 1:11:00 >> Her mother doesn't want a son-in-law 1:11:02 from another region where the man 1:11:04 courting her is from. Why is that? 1:11:07 Because of her aunt's experience 1:11:09 marrying someone from that region, 1:11:11 >> who 1:11:12 >> was under pressure and liked to control 1:11:16 and dominate. 1:11:17 >> Is this the character of 1:11:20 >> that family or maybe from that region 1:11:22 —is it really a character trait or 1:11:25 perhaps how is it? Please enlighten us. 1:11:28 Yes. So, you see, different 1:11:32 >> regions 1:11:33 >> mean 1:11:35 >> different cultures. 1:11:37 >> Uh, sometimes the culture, for example, 1:11:41 is to speak firmly, which for another 1:11:45 culture that speaks softly and 1:11:48 melodically, is perceived as aggressive 1:11:51 . Yes. Yes. 1:11:52 >> Even though it is indeed the cultural 1:11:55 norm to speak like that. 1:11:58 >> Uh, what we need—it's not rude. What 1:12:01 we need to check is the intention. The 1:12:05 intention, the goal, what is it that is 1:12:09 truly the foundation of their attitude? 1:12:15 That is what we need to look at. If we 1:12:18 can look at that well, it will be much, 1:12:21 much more objective. 1:12:25 >> Compared to us just judging that people 1:12:29 from a certain region have a uniform 1:12:33 personality. The likely uniformity is 1:12:37 their speaking style, which can be 1:12:39 perceived differently. Their style of 1:12:42 protection toward their partner, or for 1:12:46 example, this one is paternalistic, and 1:12:50 this one is, uh, maternalistic, for 1:12:54 example, right? Uh-huh. 1:12:56 >> I mean, there are, uh, cultures where 1:13:02 women must be treated in a certain way. 1:13:05 While in other cultures, for example, 1:13:09 >> in the West, women are very egalitarian 1:13:12 , right? While in, uh, the East, for 1:13:22 example, women are valued through 1:13:25 protection, right? So they are guarded 1:13:28 in such a way. Now, this perspective is 1:13:32 what can lead to different perceptions. 1:13:37 >> So it's better to choose someone we 1:13:39 feel comfortable with. We feel 1:13:46 comfortable because I don't mean to say 1:13:49 that tribe A is better than tribe B. 1:13:51 It's not like that. 1:13:53 >> Every tribe has 1:13:56 >> uniqueness, advantages, and, uh, 1:14:04 perceived shortcomings. Because surely 1:14:07 some see this as lacking, others as an 1:14:10 advantage, and so on. There are always 1:14:13 different points of view. Uh-huh. He he 1:14:15 . 1:14:16 >> So, uh, in my opinion, just go with 1:14:21 whoever we are comfortable with, and we 1:14:24 can be convinced of their personal 1:14:26 quality. If we indeed feel that we are 1:14:30 compatible with someone from a certain 1:14:32 tribe with all the consequences it 1:14:34 entails, 1:14:37 >> and we know what their intentions are, 1:14:40 that they don't have negative 1:14:42 intentions. 1:14:45 >> So, as you said before regarding the 1:14:46 neighbor who felt that by marrying 1:14:49 >> Uh-huh. 1:14:50 >> into a certain tribe, they faced 1:14:52 pressure. Then also, there are many 1:14:55 things that disadvantage 1:14:57 >> women. 1:14:58 >> It's not always like that. 1:15:00 >> Don't 1:15:01 >> get consumed by the things we see, that 1:15:04 we hear, and then 1:15:06 >> use them as a benchmark. 1:15:08 >> Okay. 1:15:10 >> Yeah, it seems many are giving thumbs 1:15:14 up but not asking anything. 1:15:16 >> I 1:15:17 >> and our time is almost up. So, we will 1:15:21 listen from Dr. Laila on how couples 1:15:24 can distinguish between healthy 1:15:27 communication and what isn't. Please go 1:15:30 ahead. 1:15:31 >> Yes, thank you Mbak Nunik, Iband, and 1:15:33 everyone at Rafat. Thank you very much. 1:15:36 Let's conclude that, uh, it is us who 1:15:41 maintain healthy communication. Okay. 1:15:46 Especially me, right? Because we cannot 1:15:50 control our partners. 1:15:53 >> We strive for our partners to also have 1:15:55 a mutual agreement to build a good 1:15:58 relationship. Right? 1:16:01 >> So, we need to create safe 1:16:03 communication. Communication that makes 1:16:07 people unafraid or unworried about 1:16:10 expressing something. We also need to 1:16:14 feel like we are a team. A married 1:16:16 couple is a team. We need to create an 1:16:19 atmosphere that we are a team, not 1:16:21 opponents. Then, we also need to 1:16:24 respect personal boundaries because 1:16:26 everyone has personal boundaries that 1:16:29 need to be respected. We also need to 1:16:32 ensure, because this is a romantic 1:16:35 relationship, we need to ensure 1:16:37 intimacy that is comfortable for both 1:16:39 parties, right? And we also need to 1:16:44 resolve conflict because there will 1:16:46 surely be conflict, and always strive 1:16:49 for improvement after a conflict. 1:16:52 That's it. Hopefully, this discussion 1:16:54 is enlightening. Thank you for your 1:16:56 attention. Wabillahi taufik wal hidayah 1:16:59 . Wasalamualaikum warahmatullahi 1:17:01 wabarakatuh. 1:17:02 >> Waalaikumsalam warahmatullahi 1:17:04 wabarakatuh. Thank you very much, Mbak 1:17:07 Mona. Hopefully, in our communication 1:17:11 talk this time, we can truly hold onto 1:17:14 how we can maintain and respect 1:17:17 personal boundaries. Not just the 1:17:20 husband, not just the wife, both are 1:17:22 the same, right? 1:17:24 >> And a question that might need to be 1:17:27 optimized is: have we prepared our love 1:17:30 tanks? Alright, Mbak W, thank you very 1:17:34 much. Billahi taufik wal hidayah. 1:17:36 Wasalamualaikum warahmatullahi 1:17:38 wabarakatuh. 1:17:39 >> Waalaikumsalam warahmatullahi 1:17:40 wabarakatuh. Yeah. 
