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0:00 Our inspirational speaker today is 0:02 Ustadz Bendri Jaisurahman. Ustadz 0:05 Bendri Jaisurahman, or as he is fondly 0:08 called, Ajo Bendri, is a preacher, 0:11 practitioner, and Islamic parenting 0:13 advocate dedicated to strengthening 0:16 Muslim family pillars. He studied at 0:20 Ma'had Al-Hikmah Jakarta, the Faculty 0:22 of Social and Political Sciences at the 0:25 University of Indonesia, and Ma'had 0:28 Utsman bin Affan, Jakarta. His 0:31 commitment to reviving the role of a 0:33 father is strongly reflected in the " 0:36 Fatherman" movement. This is both a 0:39 concept and a series of Islamic 0:41 parenting books that focus on 0:43 strengthening a father's presence, 0:45 emotional role, and leadership 0:47 responsibility in the family. He also 0:50 consistently provides this education 0:53 through his YouTube channel, Fatherman, 0:55 and the website fatherman.id, as well 0:59 as his social media account on 1:01 Instagram @ajobenri. Amidst his 1:05 responsibilities of managing a 1:08 household with one wife and five 1:10 children, he actively travels as a 1:13 speaker for parenting seminars, 1:16 conducts studies, and serves as a 1:18 mentor at @kampungsahabat in Bambu Apus 1:21 , East Jakarta. His work consistently 1:25 invites the community to emulate the 1:27 values of Sharia in raising the next 1:29 generation. Let's join the 1:32 Inspirational Talk program with Ustadz 1:35 Bendri Jaisurahman. 1:37 >> In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious 1:38 , the Most Merciful. All praise is due 1:40 to Allah, a praise that is abundant, 1:42 good, and blessed, and may peace and 1:44 blessings be upon our Prophet Muhammad 1:46 and his family. Whatever Allah wills 1:49 happens, and there is no power except 1:51 by Allah the Almighty. Still 1:54 broadcasting from Jalan Masjid 1:55 Silaturahim number 36, Kalimanggis, 1:57 Cibubur, Bekasi, Radio Silaturahim and 1:59 Rasil TV for a united Islam. Peace be 2:02 upon you, and Allah's mercy and 2:03 blessings. Brothers and sisters, may 2:04 Allah have mercy on you. It is a great 2:06 pleasure to be able to meet you all 2:09 again in the Inspirational Talk program 2:11 . Praise be to Allah, we are honored to 2:16 have a special guest today, whom we 2:19 have long wanted to invite, and 2:21 thankfully, he is here: Ustadz Bendri 2:24 Jaisurahman. Peace be upon you, and 2:26 Allah's mercy and blessings, Ustadz. 2:27 >> And peace be upon you, and Allah's 2:28 mercy and blessings. 2:29 >> Are you doing well and feeling healthy? 2:30 >> Alhamdulillah, I am healthy. 2:31 >> With all your busy schedule. Mashaa 2:32 Allah. 2:33 >> Alhamdulillah. 2:34 >> How have your recent activities been, 2:35 Ustadz? Yes, Alhamdulillah, I am just 2:38 enjoying exercising lately to stay 2:41 healthy. Because the responsibility of 2:43 knowledge must be shared with the 2:44 responsibility of health. 2:45 >> That is true, Ustadz. 2:46 >> Yes, if we are sickly, our knowledge 2:48 cannot be passed on to the community; 2:49 that is dangerous and a heavy 2:51 accountability. 2:52 >> True, Ustadz. Sometimes we meet several 2:54 Ustadz, 2:55 >> who forget to exercise, Ustadz. 2:57 >> Well, that is why I want... 2:59 >> It is a pity, as their knowledge is 3:00 extraordinary. 3:01 >> Exactly, exactly. Hopefully, let us 3:02 pray that the Ustadz stay healthy. Amin 3:04 . Amin. Amin. Amin, Ustadz. Now, Ustadz 3:07 , to be honest, I have been following 3:09 you for quite a while, Ustadz, 3:11 >> your content on YouTube, especially, 3:13 and it's not just because you are here; 3:16 it's because I am also a father, 3:18 learning to be a father of four 3:20 children, Ustadz. 3:21 >> So, content regarding the role of a 3:23 father, how a father... 3:25 >> acts in this modern era. Yes. 3:27 >> That has become our focus. 3:29 >> Yes. Yes. And we follow that content 3:31 almost completely, compared to other 3:34 content. MashaAllah, that becomes 3:36 >> a continuous charity as well, Ustaz. 3:37 And alhamdulillah, today Ikhwan Awat 3:40 will be sharing with us all. Previously 3:43 , Dr. Inong mentioned him several times 3:46 on air, hoping he could share here, 3:48 especially regarding the role of 3:50 fathers in this modern age, Ustaz. 3:54 Sometimes, with current demands, 3:56 fathers are pressured to earn a living. 4:00 >> That's right. 4:01 >> Then, with all the busyness of work, 4:03 they shouldn't forget their obligation 4:05 to educate their families, Ustaz. 4:07 >> That's right. That's right. 4:08 >> How is it, Ustaz? Maybe you could share 4:10 it with the view 4:11 >> MashaAllah, God willing. 4:11 >> In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious 4:12 , the Most Merciful. Peace be upon you, 4:13 and Allah's mercy and blessings. Praise 4:16 be to Allah, peace and blessings be 4:17 upon the Messenger of Allah, and upon 4:19 his family and companions, and 4:20 hereafter. Thank you to all the viewers 4:23 and listeners of Rasil TV wherever you 4:27 are. We are having a long discussion 4:30 about a phenomenon that might be 4:31 troubling us. In reality, what is 4:35 happening today was already predicted 4:37 by the Prophet regarding how 4:40 >> the state of the ummah would be in the 4:43 end times, and among them is the LGBT 4:46 phenomenon, which might make us feel, " 4:48 Oh, what about my child?" That worry 4:51 arises. But I think that's a good thing 4:53 . It's good because the Quranic 4:57 redaction motivates parents; to want to 5:01 raise children, it must start with fear 5:04 . 5:07 >> Allah says in Surah An-Nisa verse 9, " 5:09 Walyakhsha allatheena law taraku min 5:11 khalfihim thurriyyatan di'afan khafu ' 5:14 alayhim." They should fear Allah. So 5:19 the word' khasyah 'actually shows our 5:21 concern before Allah. Because we 5:25 understand that Allah does not let His 5:28 creatures live in this world without 5:30 accountability. 5:32 >> Yes. 5:32 >> Including the responsibility of being a 5:34 parent. Yes. 5:35 >> That marriage is not just about getting 5:37 the privilege of pleasure, biological 5:39 relations, or enjoyment. It feels good, 5:42 it's halal, whatever you do together is 5:43 enjoyable. But behind that, there is a 5:46 heavy reckoning (hisab). Now, that 5:48 reckoning is when a man becomes a 5:51 husband, he becomes a father. The 5:54 Prophet said, "A man is a leader of his 5:56 family and he will be questioned about 5:57 them." Now, this is what is often 6:00 forgotten by men, that they will be 6:01 held accountable. This accountability 6:04 is not actually about the results, but 6:06 the process. 6:06 >> The process. 6:08 >> So many think that if their child turns 6:10 out well even if they didn't play a 6:12 role, they will think, "Alhamdulillah, 6:14 I am safe from the reckoning." Not 6:17 necessarily. 6:19 >> Because it could be that the child will 6:21 sue them on the Day of Judgment, 6:22 feeling that if they turned out good, 6:24 it was due to Allah's help through 6:25 their neighbors or their teachers. But 6:28 they will hold onto the wounds caused 6:30 by an indifferent father. That happens 6:32 often. That's why I often tease that if 6:34 we could claim our child's 6:36 righteousness solely because we feel 6:38 they are our fruit, the one most 6:40 entitled to claim that would be Prophet 6:43 Ibrahim's father. 6:44 >> Hm. 6:45 >> Prophet Ibrahim's father could just go 6:47 anywhere, his name was Azar. He could 6:49 go around puffing his chest, saying, " 6:50 Do you know Ibrahim?""Do you know him?" 6:52 "I am his father, you know." Like that. 6:54 Even though Ibrahim's father was a 6:55 disbeliever. 6:57 >> He had no role in the upbringing of his 6:59 son named Ibrahim. Abraham sought God 7:01 in the context of the guidance that 7:03 Allah provided. 7:05 >> So when we see people who feel their 7:07 children are righteous, when in reality 7:09 it is because of their teachers, while 7:12 they are busy playing padel, Hyrox, or 7:14 pilates, they never really had a role. 7:16 Even when their child harbors anger, it 7:18 is solely because the teacher reminded 7:20 them, "Continue to treat your parents 7:22 well." They keep acting kindly. So, 7:24 parents like this should not think they 7:25 are lucky to have a righteous child, 7:27 because they will still be held 7:28 accountable. Now, this is the context 7:30 that I feel is important to state. So, 7:33 if our child is truly experiencing ruin 7:36 , for instance entering the realm of 7:38 LGBT, we must remember that LGBT does 7:41 not just appear; there are other 7:43 factors, and if it is caused by our 7:46 negligence, that is a heavy burden for 7:48 us. Yeah. 7:50 >> And that is why I always remind people; 7:53 I convey almost everything in my Friday 7:55 studies, in Friday assemblies. Because 7:58 I am convinced that the Friday sermon 8:01 is the most real medium for men's 8:03 studies. 8:04 >> That is why I motivate preachers and 8:07 clerics to start changing our mindset 8:10 so that our lectures begin to have a 8:13 curriculum on manhood. 8:14 >> Yeah. Reminding them not just of piety 8:18 in a general sense, but piety in its 8:20 actual manifestation. Be a pious 8:24 husband, be a pious father. Why does a 8:28 pious father not stay silent? 8:32 >> When he sees his child straying even a 8:34 little, he will surely correct them. 8:37 The manifestation of a pious father is 8:38 Prophet Jacob. 8:39 >> What was it, among other things? Even 8:41 as he approached his death, he was 8:43 still thinking about evaluating his 8:44 children. 8:46 >> Imagine him in the state of passing 8:49 away, "Am kuntum syuhada iz hadara 8:51 Ya'qubal maut.""Were you witnesses when 8:56 death approached Jacob?" He asked his 9:00 sons, "What will you worship after I am 9:03 gone?" Imagine a father who is still 9:05 thinking about this as he approaches 9:06 his death. "Oh, I must finish my final 9:09 duty as a father," he says to his 9:11 children. " 9:13 >> When Papa dies, who will you worship?" 9:15 That is something possessed only by a 9:17 father who has awareness, 9:19 responsibility, and piety. 9:22 >> That is why the Quranic language 9:24 regarding this initial motivation is to 9:27 let us know that being a father is not 9:30 just a status we should be proud of. " 9:33 I've become a father, you know, I have 9:35 a child." And I often remind people, 9:37 don't immediately claim to be a father 9:39 just because you have a child. Because 9:43 if we just have a child and claim it, 9:45 it is as foolish as someone who owns a 9:47 ball claiming to be a football player. 9:50 >> Hm. Yes. Yeah. 9:51 >> Just because they have a ball, they say 9:53 , "I'm a football player, you know."" 9:54 Where is the proof?""I have a ball, you 9:56 know." You just have a ball and you 9:58 claim to be a football player. Can you 9:59 dribble? Can you do this move? No. It 10:02 is the same with being a father. "I 10:04 have a child, you know, I am a father." 10:06 Being a father is not just a status 10:08 because you have one, 10:10 >> but a role. 10:11 >> Do you ever have conversations? How do 10:14 you handle it when your child is sad; 10:16 what do you do? If your child suddenly 10:19 has a tantrum at an early age, or if 10:21 your child suddenly falls in love, you 10:22 must perform that role. Yeah. 10:25 >> So when a man realizes this, that being 10:28 a father is a role that will be held to 10:30 account, he must know there are fathers 10:33 who will be fortunate in the hereafter, 10:35 and some who will be wretched. 10:39 >> That is why the Quranic redaction 10:41 begins with "wal-yakhsha alladheena law 10:43 taraku min khalfihim dhurriyyatan 10:45 di'afan". Let them fear Allah. Those 10:49 who leave behind weak children. And 10:52 this child is weak not because of the 10:54 parents—in this case, not because the 10:56 child had the wrong friends, but 10:58 because of wrong upbringing, wrong 11:00 parenting. So it is important for us, 11:04 and I always say that fear, if it 11:06 exists within us out of worry of being 11:08 held to account, becomes an 11:10 extraordinary energy. 11:13 >> Because a person when afraid of 11:16 something, can have rapid energy. I can 11:19 run fast if chased by a German Shepherd 11:22 . 11:23 >> Yes. 11:23 >> Because someone shouted "thief!", even 11:25 a man with a limp can run fast. Why? 11:28 Fear. 11:29 >> So we must remember that fear. All 11:32 fathers must remember. There will be a 11:36 time when Allah will ask about our 11:38 responsibilities, and we cannot just 11:40 deflect by saying, "But I have prayed, 11:42 O Allah, I have fasted." Your prayer 11:46 and fasting cannot be considered 11:48 indicators that you are responsible for 11:51 your family. Those are only individual 11:53 responsibilities. 11:54 >> Yeah. 11:55 >> But your responsibility as a father is 11:57 not realized through your prayer, 11:58 fasting, and Quran reading. But have 12:01 you become a father who carries out his 12:03 role? 12:03 >> Yes. 12:04 >> Has your child ever felt approached, 12:07 >> invited to talk, connected? Now, that 12:11 is our responsibility. 12:12 >> Yes, Ustaz. Regarding that word " 12:14 connected," Ustaz. In this digital age, 12:17 many parents face quite heavy 12:20 challenges; many children are at home, 12:23 the parents are at home, but it is as 12:26 if there is no connection with them. 12:30 Sometimes, children, especially 12:33 teenagers, maybe 17 years old or in 12:36 college, when they are at home, they 12:39 are just focused on their phones. 12:43 Sometimes it is hard to get them to 12:45 sleep, Ustaz. 12:45 >> Yes. 12:46 >> And when they are asleep, it is hard to 12:47 wake them up, Ustaz. 12:48 >> Sometimes they miss their Fajr prayer. 12:50 That's right. 12:51 >> Are they...what’s the term...perhaps 12:53 it's the father’s role, Ustaz? How do 12:56 you see a phenomenon like that, Ustaz? 12:57 >> Yes. So the issue of disconnection is 13:00 indeed a major parenting issue that 13:03 occurs not just today. 13:05 >> Even in the past, before gadgets, 13:07 disconnection had already emerged. 13:09 Because disconnection is not born from 13:12 outside challenges, 13:14 >> Yeah. 13:14 >> But it is a result of our inability, 13:16 since the child was born, to connect 13:19 with them on a soul level. 13:22 >> For example, a mother who, forgive me, 13:24 leaves the child too soon due to work 13:26 busyness, or perhaps a father who never 13:29 even talks to his child. Even when they 13:33 meet, it is limited to being a father 13:36 who acts like a drill sergeant, who 13:38 only gives commands like "Eat! Why 13:41 don't you listen?" Back in the day, 13:45 that disconnection was quickly mended 13:48 by natural reconnecting. For instance, 13:51 when our father scolded us. 13:53 >> Yes. " 13:53 >> Be quiet!" We weren't really told 13:55 anything else. Back then, we didn't 13:58 have what we call today a "new 13:59 connection." 14:01 >> Uh-huh. We wanted to find new 14:02 connections, but just thinking about 14:03 running away was daunting. In the old 14:05 days. 14:05 >> Yes. 14:07 >> Outside, there was no internet, no 14:09 malls, no internet cafes, no hangout 14:12 spots; it was dark, just gardens and 14:14 rice fields. We had to think twice 14:17 before running away. Right. 14:19 >> Better than being haunted by ghosts 14:21 outside, as they say, 14:22 >> rather than meeting spirits, it was 14:23 better to face the "harsh" humans at 14:25 home. So, while at home with no other 14:27 choice, parents quickly initiated a 14:29 recovery of the connection. " 14:31 Reconnecting," it’s called. 14:32 >> Let’s say he just yelled at us. 14:34 We’d run off to our room. In the 14:38 morning, he’d say, " 14:38 Assalamu’alaikum.""Still sulking?"" 14:41 Huh?""Here.""There’s pocket money, 14:44 and I made you fried rice." When your 14:47 parents give you that, you think, "Oh, 14:49 Dad was mad but he still cares." Why? 14:52 Because our brains didn't have new 14:55 options. But in today's era, gadgets 14:58 represent how children, when 15:00 disconnected due to poor parenting, can 15:03 find a "new connection." 15:05 >> Hmm. 15:06 >> So, the gadget fulfills that basic need 15:08 —a new connection. That’s why we 15:12 always compare, "Back in my day, Ustaz, 15:15 my father was very fierce, but we 15:18 remained respectful." Because back then 15:22 , there was no "new connection." 15:23 >> Exactly. 15:24 >> But now, with new connections, our 15:26 children don't just get information 15:29 from their parents. That’s why it was 15:32 common for kids back then, when talking 15:33 , 15:35 >> to use phrases like, "My dad said so." 15:38 Because they didn't have any 15:39 information source other than their 15:41 father. Yes, but now kids have internet 15:44 access; since Gen Z, starting from '95, 15:46 they’ve had access. That’s when we 15:49 start a sentence and they say, "Not 15:51 really, Dad.""I saw on the internet 15:53 it's not like that."" 15:53 >> This influencer says..." 15:55 >> That phrase already appears in Alpha 15:57 Gen. "They said it's not like that." In 16:00 the old days, whatever a child said, 16:03 their father’s word was considered 16:06 the truth. So they’d argue with 16:08 friends, " 16:08 >> My dad has been to Paris, you know." 16:10 Now they say, "Well, Dad, maybe not 16:11 anymore.""Even if you went to Paris, 16:13 I'll Google it to see if you're lying." 16:15 That’s why, in the past, even if 16:17 parents used the wrong methods, it was 16:20 still effective in that context. Like 16:23 lying, saying, "Eat your rice, or it 16:25 will cry," remember that? "If you go 16:27 out at night, a ghost will snatch you 16:29 away," remember that? 16:30 >> But in this day and age, what are kids 16:32 like? That’s a total lie. There’s 16:34 no such thing. Are they really that 16:35 fragile, like a lonely person crying 16:37 over nothing? 16:38 >> So, kids these days have. Now, that is 16:40 why I always say, 16:42 >> it's not the gadgets we should be 16:44 fighting, but our internal failure to 16:47 build a connection. 16:50 >> Actually, if a child is strongly 16:52 connected, because research shows that 16:54 humans have basic needs: first, 16:56 relatedness—being connected, 16:59 >> second, autonomy, 17:01 >> and third, competence. When kids feel 17:05 they are given freedom, meaning they 17:07 aren't directly instructed, and then 17:10 they feel their competence is 17:12 appreciated. "Oh, it turns out Dad's 17:15 child can finish until the end." 17:16 Relatedness is the term experts use. 17:18 Relatedness shows that the child has 17:20 what you call, uh, a connection with 17:22 their parents. 17:24 >> They don't consider a gadget to be 17:26 everything. They see it as alternative 17:29 entertainment, like someone in a food 17:31 court. 17:32 >> Heh. 17:33 >> There are many food options, so they 17:35 don't just focus on one dish. "I want 17:37 to try something else," they say. So, 17:39 the gadget is present now because they 17:41 don't feel they get that connection 17:42 from their parents. Now, that’s why 17:46 fathers today must realize that almost 17:49 all issues regarding sexual deviation, 17:51 boys behaving like' bottoms, 'or LGBT, 17:54 the data is quite terrifying. Because 17:58 we are in West Java Province today, and 18:01 based on data I took from Times.id, as 18:03 the largest population in Indonesia is 18:06 in West Java Province. The data is from 18:08 times.id. 18:09 >> How much is that, Ustaz? 18:10 >> 44,000. And that's just 18:13 >> taken from those registered as having 18:16 HIV. 18:17 >> Oh. 18:18 >> So, we don't know about those who 18:20 aren't affected. The Ministry of Health 18:22 took that data; I'm so sorry to say, 18:24 the highest number is in Bekasi. Bekasi 18:26 . My goodness. Now, that 18:28 >> remains the Bekasi study. 18:29 >> Yes. It means we think, "Oh, yeah." Now 18:33 , it turns out the issue of LGBT, and 18:35 secondly, the issue of girls losing 18:38 their virginity—60%of girls in 18:40 Indonesia aged 16 to 17 are no longer 18:43 virgins. That’s data from BKKBN 18:47 starting from 2023, isn't it scary? 60% 18:50 is an extraordinary number, beating Mr. 18:54 Prabowo’s electability of only 58%. 18:57 Imagine 60%, I said okay. The scary 19:02 part is why they can end up like that. 19:05 Well, it turns out 19:07 >> I learned and studied that it's all 19:08 because of disconnection from the 19:10 father figure. 19:12 >> Men don't have a father figure. So they 19:15 don't get the masculine intake, 19:17 >> resulting in behavior that is, forgive 19:19 me, effeminate. 19:21 >> That’s why I often create a challenge 19:24 , uh, quite spontaneously. If you, for 19:27 example, have a friend who seems like a 19:31 ' presto 'man—soft-boned, I mean. 19:34 Yeah, very graceful, right? Just try 19:36 asking, "How is your relationship with 19:38 your dad?" First, there is definitely a 19:41 disconnection. 19:42 >> Yes. Second, girls who are really easy 19:45 to date, who often hang out late at 19:47 night with guys until 11:00 or 12:00. 1 19:50 AM, 11 PM of the day. I bet they are 19:52 not close to their father. So, this 19:55 father's absence, which we call being 19:57 disconnected from the father, 19:59 influences children to seek other 20:02 emotional anchors or new connections 20:04 with outsiders. If it's a daughter, she 20:07 becomes a victim of love scamming. 20:09 >> Yes. For instance, a young girl who is 20:12 still innocent is willing to trade her 20:14 virginity, right? It is not just about 20:16 material things. 20:17 >> But also matters related to her 20:20 psychological needs. Yes, there are 20:23 many cases. For example, a year ago in 20:26 Bandung, a girl, forgive me, was 20:28 willing to send her nude photos to a 20:30 guy who turned out to be an inmate at 20:32 Cipinang prison. Oh, 20:34 >> so the guy was in prison, and the girl 20:36 was... 
